Easy Money On These Silly America College Football Bowls, Bro


by Rakesh The Intern

Happy Year of the New, bro! It’s been a run of great success with this football betting, bro. I wish I could say the same for my luck with most of these American women, though. I don’t get why these California girlies get so freaked out by pubic hair, bro. In my country, big bush of hair around manhood is sign of confidence and great wealth. But in this country, every time I take pants off, girl rolls up newspaper and swats at it like it’s alive or something, bro.

Anyway, my friend, who needs girlfriend when you win so much money betting on American football that you can buy new prostitute every week. Here is what I am thinking for this week, bro:

Navy at Arizona State (-13) and OVER 54 Points

Check it out, bro. The Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl pretty much sums up America’s obesity problem, hey buddy? People in this country are hungry, and how are you going to combat that hunger, bro? Yup, with processed American cheese slices. I feed better shit than that to my pet opossum, bro. Speaking of shit, buddy, let’s talk about how brutal the Navy Midshipmen are at the game of American football. This team only beat Army by four point and lost to Troy by 10, bro. This isn’t Alabama or Oregon, bro, but fucking Troy. If they give up 41 to Troy, imagine how much point Arizona State will unload, my friend. Also bro, the Sun Devils have rushed for over 200 yards in five of last seven games, their defense is averaging 3 turnovers per game over their last six, and they can pass if they need to. On other hand, Navy throws the ball as well worse than my cousin Gokul, and he’s the one with baby left hand, bro…

West Virginia at Syracuse UNDER 72.5 Points

Check it out, bro. Both of these teams score point like they are playing basketball, my friend. West Virginia has sixth-best passing offense and Syracuse come in at #21. And both of their defense are weaker than my Grandpa Sahir trying to fend off junkie who broke into his house and stole his Humira pills. Dude came in with just a stick, bro, and my Grandpa Sahir couldn’t stop him. Weak shit, bro. But I’ll tell you what, bro. I don’t care who is playing and what offense is on the field. When there is rain and snow mixing and field is covered in snow and ice, there is no way 73 points are scored in the game, bro. You think thugs from West Virginia, who were once ranked in top ten this year, really give elephant’s ass about winning the New Era Pinstripe Bowl in these conditions, bro? Think again, my friend…

TCU (-2.5) at Michigan State and UNDER 40.5 Points

I’ll tell you what, bro. I was very excited when I found out this was the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl. I used to work the fryer at the Toledo location on Central Avenue back when I was studying economic at the university, my friend. They have very high quality chicken wings, bro. You can get Sweet BBQ, Teriyaki, Mild, Parmesan Garlic, Medium, Honey BBQ, Spicy Garlic, Jammin’ Jalapeño, Asian Zing, Caribbean Jerk, Thai Curry (Rakesh’s favorite), Hot BBQ, Hot, Mango Habanero, Wild, Blazin’, Salt & Vinegar, Buffalo Rub, Chipotle BBQ, and Desert Heat, bro. But then I find out who is playing in the game, and I was like, “Whoa, bro.” They should be calling this the Irony Bowl because Buffalo Wild Wings is awesome like breasts on American girls and these two teams are shit from pig or whatever you call it in this country, my friend…

Jacksonville Jaguars at Tennessee Titans OVER 42 Points

Listen, bro. Every now and then, one of those games comes along that you like for absolutely no good reason. Neither of these teams has had anything to play for since September, except a paycheck, boss. In other words, this is pretty much the Pro Bowl except for the fact that none of the players on these teams are worthy of playing in that game. My Uncle Omkar said at his trial that he used to beat his wife from his arranged marriage for no good reason, bro. And just like my shit from pig uncle, we have no good reason to take the over here, but we are going to do it anyway, my friend…

Green Bay Packers (-3.0) at Minnesota Vikings

Check it out, bro. I tell you to bet against the Minnesota Viking like three consecutive weeks now, and every time, not only do we lose, but we get destroyed like my ex-girlfriend Meera’s punani one night when I take Levitra. We had no lube that night either, bro.  But I tell you what, bro. This is the week that we get all of that money back and then some, my friend. Aaron Rodgers is not only a better quarterback on the road this year, but also much better when he plays indoors, bro. And just against the Vikings in their shit from pig stadium over the last three years, Rodgers is 72 of 98 for 1,020 yards, 9 touchdowns, and one interception. That’s almost as good as destroying punani, bro…

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers (-16.5)

Listen, bro. Let’s try substituting a few names of famous Americans with physical disabilities to show you how big of beatdown this is going to be, my friend. Let’s say the Arizona Cardinals are Stephen Hawking and the 49ers are Sylvester Stallone, bro. Both have obvious physical deformities, boss. But do you really think that Stephen Hawking would get even one punch to land on Stallone? No way, bro. If this was spelling bee, then Stallone would be in some serious trouble, but it’s not, bro. It’s a hardcore, physical game of American football, and I’ll take Stallone over a guy with Gehrig disease in wheelchair every time, buddy. My boss Tommy Gimler say that Jim Harbaugh is too much of asshole to let team like Arizona come into their stadium and even make the game close, and between you and me, it takes one to know one. I mean, who makes unpaid intern work on holiday weekend, bro?


Last Week: 4-5

This Season: 32-22-1

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