Breaking Down An Absolute Ass Pounding


by Tommy Gimler

If you caught just the score of the Seattle Seahawks’ 58-0 victory today, you might have thought they were playing the Arizona School For The Blind. But believe it or not, they actually beat the hell out of the Arizona Cardinals, another real NFL team with uniforms and everything.

How does one professional football organization yield 58 points without returning the favor with at least one goddamn field goal? Even more baffling, is how in the hell did this Arizona Cardinals team take down the New England Patriots earlier this year? And even more baffling than that, is how in the hell is Taylor Swift’s We Are Never Getting Back Together the #1 country song in America?

Thankfully, The DUD is here to break down how something like this happens in 2012.

The DUD Breakdown

Ensure that you have absolutely zero talent at the quarterback position.

It’s really easy to do, actually. First, you give a five-year, $62.1 million deal to a quarterback like Kevin Kolb, who up to that point had never appeared in more than 7 games in one season. By doing this, you’ll not only make sure that a talentless piece of shit will begin the season under center, but also ensure that you have no leftover cash to pay for a decent backup when Kolb gets sidelined with a hangnail and/or separated rib. And that’s why Cardinals fans shouldn’t be shocked that John Skelton’s leading receiver in today’s game was the Seattle defense.

Compile the worst offensive line in the NFL.

Peyton Manning is one smart redneck. If he would have chosen the desert over Denver, he’d be dead by now playing behind that offensive line that has yielded a league-high 51 sacks and thrown in 83 quarterback hits for good measure.

Lock up the second-best wide receiver in the league with a much-deserved 8-year, $120 million deal, but then make sure you surround him with zero talent so he gets double-teamed on every play.

Larry Fitzgerald had only one catch today for 2 yards even though the Cardinals were down by 38 points at halftime, and I’m pretty sure that’s a situation that requires a shit ton of passing. John Skelton and Ryan Lindley threw 39 passes for the Cardinals in today’s game. I didn’t even know they were NFL quarterbacks. 11 of those passes were thrown in the direction of Fitzgerald, but he only hauled in one of those because there were at least two or three defenders on him on every play. That’s going to happen when you surround him with guys like Rob Housler, Early Doucet, Michael Floyd, and Andre Roberts. In his last four games, Fitzgerald has totaled just six catches, and that’s almost as bad as Caddyshack II.

Now that you have compiled an offense with only one talented player, let’s see what happens when they visit the hardest place to play in the NFL.

Beanie Wells and LaRod Stephens-Howling would have trouble running through the traditional banner high school players run through before the big homecoming game much less a Seattle Seahawks run defense that has yielded just one 100-yard rusher at home this season. So we knew they weren’t going to be a factor, and we already outlined why the passing game was going to fail.

Finally, make sure you retain a coaching staff that has completely checked out.

After six first half turnovers led to a 38-point halftime deficit, Ken Whisenhut should have been preaching two things. First, no more fucking turnovers. Second, they’re up 38 points, so they’re going to run the ball. We know it’s coming and we need to stop it. But the Cardinals’ first two drives of the second half again ended with turnovers, and the Seahawks rushed for 284 yards. Every Seattle running back finished the day averaging at least 5.4 yards per carry. So, that means one of two things happened. Either Whisenhut didn’t stress the importance of these two things, or his players didn’t listen to him. Either way, with the Cardinals now losers of nine in a row and on the wrong end of a 58-0 ass pounding, like Macaulay Culkin’s career, he’s done…

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