Andruw Jones Also Spent Part Of His Christmas In Jail
by Tommy Gimler
It seems as though his once promising and sure-bet Hall of Fame career isn’t the only thing Andruw Jones is dragging down to the bottom of the stairs these days.
According to ESPN.com, Nicole Jones said that when she asked her husband at 1:30am to help prepare the house for Christmas morning, he became enraged, grabbed her ankles, dragged her down the stairs, and threatened to kill her. Now, unless “preparing the house for Christmas morning” means setting your penis up on the dresser so she can hack it off with a Samurai sword, we think Andruw’s reaction was quite excessive and unwarranted.
The Gwinnett County police were on the same page, charging the former Braves outfielder with battery. After spending over seven hours in the cage, Jones was released on $2,400 bond. It’s unclear as to whether Jones was allowed back into his own house or if he was forced to crash on Chipper Jones’ girlfriend’s futon for the rest of Christmas Day, but our intern Rakesh is working on it.
Here’s how you score this one in your FAGA (Former Athletes Getting Arrested) fantasy league:
Your former athlete, in this case Andruw Jones, got arrested: 1 point
He’s a minority: minus 1 point
Cha-ching! It’s a felony: TBD
No prior arrest record: 3 points
“Thug-O-Meter” (how gangster was the crime) – hitting a woman on Christmas: minus 5 points
Weapons used – fists, words: minus 1 point
However, he didn’t turn himself in: 2 points
Shock value – big points here as it’s shocking that Andruw Jones is still able to hit anything. I mean, a .210 average over the last 5 seasons: 3 points
Behind bars on a major holiday: 1 point
Total Points For Andruw Jones Getting Arrested For Battery And Having To Spend His Christmas In Jail: 3 points
The DUD Analysis
It’s good to see Andruw Jones finally getting arrested for something since he’s basically been stealing money from Major League ball clubs over the last five years. Further proof that there is no God, Jones recently signed a one-year, $3.5 million deal with a team in Japan. He hit .197 last year! I’ve never been to Japan, but something tells me that if they have stairs over there, and he drags his wife down them, he’ll get more than just a few hours in the joint: