by Tommy Gimler
Look, the fact that today is December 31, 2012 means one thing and one thing only: Nostradamus was full of shit. We didn’t need him here, either, for these ten bold predictions of NFL headlines you won’t see in the new year.
10. Andy Reid loses 150 pounds and then barely loses XLVIII when the Dallas Cowboys defeat the San Diego Super Chargers.
a) Andy Reid shouldn’t be coaching anywhere next season. If there is one coach out there who needs to get away from the game for at least one year, it’s Jason Garrett. But then it’s Andy Reid.
b) Andy Reid hasn’t lost weight since 1990, and that was because of the recession.
c) The Dallas Cowboys win another Super Bowl with Jerry Jones as general manager? Hahaha.
d) The San Diego Chargers in the postseason? Hahaha.
9. Former Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum buys a Baskin-Robbins, trades 2 of his 31 flavors for Tim Tebow, but then never puts Tebow on the schedule.
Sources say Tebow would be very excited with the opportunity to be the first-shift floor manager, but Tannenbaum will have second thoughts about his new acquisition after he watches Tebow repeatedly throw the garbage in the wrong dumpster.
8. Ken Whisenhunt’s agent shops his name to nine teams with head coaching vacancies, but he is turned away because nobody knows who Ken Whisenhunt is.
His agent also realizes that it’s just as hard to convince potential suitors that the Arizona Cardinals, Whisenhunt’s former employer, are still a professional football team with uniforms and everything.
7. Rex Ryan hires Norv Turner to be the Jets’ new offensive coordinator, and Mark Sanchez still throws 30 interceptions.
One bad habit that Sanchez does give up in the offseason, though, is sleeping with 17-year-old girls: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/jets_sanchez_and_hs_gal_in_qb_sack_mZbd0040agTuBTZDU69YnM
6. The Detroit Lions are in store for a promising 2013 after an arrest-free offseason.
The last time I checked, Titus Young was just deactivated for the rest of the season. That means he is still on a roster that includes Ndamukong Suh, Mikel Leshoure, Nick Fairley, and Corey Williams. You’re telling me that those guys are going to be able to celebrate New Year’s Eve without committing a crime? Seriously, most of the Lions’ roster looks like the players submitted their mugshots:
I’ll tell you one thing Jason Hanson won’t be doing in the offseason, and that’s babysitting my nephew.
5. Romeo Crennel becomes the head coach of a team that actually has talent.
Even Bill Belichick wouldn’t have won more than two games with Kansas City this year. OK, fine. Four, tops.
4. Lovie Smith becomes the head coach for the Jacksonville Jaguars, who also bring in former Bears offensive coordinator John Shoop to call the plays for new quarterback Tim Tebow.
In doing so, the Jaguars become the first team since the merger to go the entire season without scoring an offensive touchdown. However, they manage to finish the season 8-8 thanks to a defense that averages 14 points per game, and kicker Josh Scobee sets a new NFL record by connecting on 61 of 62 field goals.
3. Former Cleveland Browns head coach Pat Shurmur becomes the most sought after head coaching name on the market.
If there was ever a situation where a guy was given a head coaching position based solely on his last name, it was Lane Kiffin. But after him, it’s Shurmur.
2. Joe Flacco beats out Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Matt Ryan, Drew Brees, Ben Roethlisberger, Robert Griffin III, Russell Wilson, Tony Romo, Matt Schaub, and Philip Rivers to win the NFL’s MVP award, even though he has a lower QB rating than all of them.
Our intern Rakesh is on it, but we’re pretty sure when a quarterback finishes 12th in rating, 15th in touchdowns, 16th in yards per game, and 19th in completion percentage, he’s pretty far from elite.
1. ESPN’s SportsCenter makes it through one calendar year without mentioning Brett Favre.
It’s a close one though, as they are set to report that Favre tweeted a picture of a dump he took at a Denny’s just outside of Kiln, MS to Jay Cutler. But luckily they are forced to go live to Jaguars camp, where Tim Tebow is just killing it on the practice squad while Houston Rockets point guard Jeremy Lin takes in the action from the sidelines.
Happy New Year…