Your Wife Is Spending Your Winnings Right Now, Bro

Rakesh

by Rakesh the Intern

Check it out, bro. Your wife or girly or whatever you call it in this country is out spending your winnings on Price Fisher toys for your cousin Baldev’s kid or a new sweater made of goat wool for Aunt Tanvi. And what are you getting from your own money that you won listening to Rakesh, socks? That is shit of bull, my friend.

This week we do the winning and we keep it quiet from woman, bro. I have included extra game or two because I am in giving spirit.

Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:

Nebraska at Iowa UNDER 49 points

Listen, bro. Iowa is a bigger embarrassment than my crazy Uncle Omkar who is currently serving a prison term for multiple violations including fixing cricket games and beating of wife. The only time they really score point was against Special Olympic team like Minnesota and Central Michigan, my friend. Nebraska can score, but you would think that the seniors on the Iowa defense will be hitting hard and playing with some kind of dignity, bro. It’s their last game for a shitty little team, my friend. Plus, it’s windy and cold (wind chill of like 16, bro). Unless they’re playing while wrapped up in camel fur, they’re screwed, bro…

West Virginia at Iowa State UNDER 69 points

Check it out, bro. I actually like Iowa State in this one as well, bro, but I think the under is the smart play, my friend. It is a total bet for sucker. Why would the over/under line be set at only 69 points one week after Iowa State put up 51 on Kansas and West Virginia put up 49 on the Oklahoma defense, bro? It should be more like 81, but a not smart American gambler will see 69 point and first laugh because of the number being innuendo or whatever, but then he will lay crazy cash on over thinking it is lock, my friend. Look, bro. Iowa State rises to occasion at home, holding good offenses like Texas Tech to 24 point, Kansas State to 27 point, and Baylor to 21 point, my friend. Wind chill of 14 today as well, bro, and wind gusts of up to 25 MPH means West Virginia head coach Dana Holgorsen should once again look like Big Ern from Kingpin, bro:

Georgia Tech (+14.5) at Georgia

Look, bro. Georgia has won all six of their home games, and we’re not disputing the fact that Georgia is going to win the game, bro. But the Bulldogs are just 2-4 against the spread in Athens, and Georgia Tech averages 37.2 points when they play on the road. Georgia’s defense is great against the pass, but that will be worthless like my alcoholic Aunt Kavitha. Tech will run the ball all day with their option offense, bro, where they average 326 rushing yards per game. Meanwhile, Georgia’s defense gives up 150 rushing yards per game. If you’re feeling kinky like my third-cousin Akansha, who doesn’t seem to mind that we have the same grandparents, parlay this bitch with the over, bro…

Florida at Florida State (-7)

Check this out, bro. Florida is the worst Top 5 team in the history of the BCS, my friend. Those are strong words, bro, but check it out. They only beat Missouri by 7 at home the week after losing to Georgia. Den, without their starting quarterback, they only beat UL-Lafayette by 7 at home. And den, last week they only beat Division 1-AA team by 23 at home. Pathetic team, bro. Jimbo Fisher and Florida State have been whining about the BCS last couple week like my cousin Nishi when the other girls at her school make fun of her weight issue, and this is their chance to show who they are. Seriously, bro, I’ll be surprised if Florida scores 10 points…

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns (+1)

Oh my God, bro. The last time Charlie Batch was relevant in this league, I was like six, bro. My dad Vivek was working like 60 hours a week delivering Wonder bread in Toledo. Now, he retire back in Howrah. I can’t believe there isn’t an over/under for how many times CBS is going to show his mom and her fat ass on TV, my friend. The Browns play the Ravens very tough two week ago, with a late garbage touchdown coming in to make it look like blowout. I don’t like Brandon Weeden, bro, but I like Mark Sanchez more than I like Chuck Batch, my friend, and Mark Sanchez is shit from dog. It might be 9-7 bro, but the Brown walk away with win, my friend…

Baltimore Ravens at San Diego Chargers (+1)

Holy sucker bet, bro. Baltimore is a shit from dog team when they travel west, my friend. They won 9-6 earlier this year against a Kansas City team that is about as bad at football as my cousin Baldev is at chess. Bro, he thinks that the queen is weaker than a pawn because queen is woman. Baltimore played at San Diego last year and got smoked, bro. They played in Seattle last year, and lost again, bro. I like a Chargers team that is on life support like Camacho rather than a Ravens team that just played physical game against rival Steelers, my friend…

Last Week: 2-1-1

This Season: 12-8-1

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