What Exactly Does Matthew Berry Get Paid To Do?

Matthew Berry

by Tommy Gimler

After three days of hanging out with dorks at the Major League Gaming conference in Dallas, I decided to breakdown the King of the Dorks, ESPN’s Matthew Berry, who is such a fucking dork that he calls himself “The Talented Mr. Roto.” And I found that, indeed, Matthew Berry is talented. Talented at making mistakes, that is.

So I could post articles like this, I became an ESPN Insider for about two bucks a month. What I found out is even that is about four bucks more than what it should cost. From brutal NFL Draft foresight or predicting MLB trades that never see the light of day to useless fantasy advice and, get this, blogs on MMA coaches, the Insider is a bigger joke than Eddie Murphy singing:

And here’s the best part. Berry’s fantasy analysis is so pathetic that fantasy dorks across the country don’t have to be an Insider to get it. They can read his crap for free. Check out this dog shit quarterbacks analysis two weeks ago from his “Love/Hate” column alongside their actual Week 7 numbers:

Quarterbacks He Loved

Tom Brady – 259 yards, 2 TD

Andrew Luck – 186 yards, 2 TD rushing

Joe Flacco – 147 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT

Jay Cutler – 150 yards, 1 TD

Matt Hasselbeck – 205 yards, 1 TD

DUD Analysis

Five quarterbacks threw for at least 300 yards, and Berry loved none of them. In fact, the top quarterback that week in terms of yardage was Josh Freeman (420), and he was found on Berry’s “Hate” list for Week 7 (along with Matt Schaub who went for 256 and 2). Freeman threw in three touchdowns just to prove Berry is a complete fucking clown. Drew Brees threw four touchdowns and Aaron Rodgers threw three, yet neither got any love from Mr. Roto before they did it.

Berry’s Cloud Atlas impression continued last week as well:

Quarterbacks He Loved

Robert Griffin III – 177 yards, 1 TD, 8 rushing yards

Peyton Manning – 305 yards, 3 TD

Ben Roethlisberger – 222 yards, 3 TD

Michael Vick – 191 yards, 1 TD

Andrew Luck – 297 yards, 1 TD

Philip Rivers – 154 yards, 0 TD

DUD Analysis

For starters, why not go ahead and say that you love the entire fucking league while you’re at it. Most fantasy dorks have only one or two quarterbacks on their fake roster, and if they read this column, they don’t want to see both of them on the same list, making their decision a difficult one. On top of that, it looks as though “The Talented Mr. Roto” really loves those quarterbacks who throw for under 200 yards. Meanwhile, his “Hate” list is full of fantasy studs like Matthew Stafford (352 yards, 3 TD, 1 INT).

And after two weeks of pure garbage resembling Taylor Swift’s Red Album, even Berry didn’t trust himself this week. While telling the fantasy dorks who actually still read his column that he loved Andrew Luck and Carson Palmer, when it came time to put his money where his mouth was, he ranked them 11th and 14th respectively. The week’s highest point scorer, Doug Martin, was Berry’s 12th best option at running back before play began. Adrian Peterson scored the second most points this week, and he was Berry’s 8th best option at running back.

So, if Matthew Berry can’t accurately predict the best options for your fantasy team week in and week out, then what exactly is ESPN paying him to do, dress and act like a huge nerd and hope that that alone will make him pass as a trustworthy source of fantasy sports information? His sidekick Eric Karabell looks like an even bigger dweeb, and you guessed it, is also completely worthless.

Predicting fantasy sports is about as doable as predicting the weather, and ESPN might want to begin taking the local news affiliates’ route and just hire hot broads, dress them up in bikinis, and have them tell me to start Arian Foster next week. At least then I wouldn’t consider it a total waste of time…

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