Two Dead Guys Won Elections Last Night
by Tommy Gimler
Meet Earl K. Wood. He just won a twelfth term as the Orange County Tax Collector in Orlando, Florida. He’s also dead.
Even better, Wood was under pressure to step down during his last term for not showing up for work on a regular basis. Well, if his constituents thought Wood was missing a lot of work last term, then they’ll be livid with him over the next few months. I mean, imagine how many days he’s going to miss now that he doesn’t have a pulse.
Believe it or not, Wood wasn’t the only dead guy who won an election yesterday. In Alabama, Charles Beasley won a seat on the Bibb County Commission even though he kicked the bucket almost a month ago.
In both cases, their opponents are taking the losses rather hard, and I guess if I was in their shoes, I would as well. I mean, it’s not every day that thousands of people tell you that a corpse could do a better job than you.
But that gave us an idea here at The DUD. Every NFL team has played at least half of their games by now, and some of them are pretty awful teams with pretty awful players. Here is a short list of players and coaches whose teams might be better off with dead guys in their positions:
QB – Matt Cassell, Kansas City Chiefs
No NFL team has more turnovers than the Kansas City Chiefs (29), and the main culprit is Matt Cassell. He blows. The Chiefs’ quarterback has 11 interceptions, 3 fumbles, and a QB rating lower than shark shit (68.9).
RB – Felix Jones, Dallas Cowboys
It seems as though every time Mr. Glass gets the chance to be the feature back for the Cowboys, a bum shoulder, sprained knee, or hangnail prevents him from being the running back he is supposed to be. Then again, if Jerry Jones is the bum who spent a first-round draft pick on him, maybe he wasn’t that talented in the first place. Jones is once again putting up shit numbers this season, averaging less than four yards per carry, having only one run over twenty yards, and spending more time on the injury report than in the end zone.
WR – Deion Branch, New England Patriots
Tom Brady has thrown for 2,408 yards, but Branch has only been responsible for 50 of them. Once Brady’s favorite target, Branch has basically become that girl in high school who was the hottest broad on the cheerleading squad but didn’t make the quarterback pull out at homecoming so she got knocked up, dropped out of school, started smoking, gained 124 pounds, and can still be seen working the night shift at the diner inside the Love’s truck stop off Highway 20 in Racine.
TE – Jermichael Finley, Green Bay Packers
How bad has Jermichael Finley been this year? Finley has insulted his quarterback just as many times as he has found the end zone. Through nine games, Finley has one touchdown. Tom Crabtree has three, and I’m pretty sure he was bagging my groceries at the Fond du Lac Piggly Wiggly three years ago.
Coach – Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles
It’s pretty obvious that Andy Reid hasn’t lost his appetite:
But it’s just as obvious that Reid has lost the Eagles’ locker room and his focus. With ten minutes left in the fourth quarter Monday night and down two scores, the Eagles and Reid showed absolutely zero urgency to get back in the game, taking 20-30 seconds in between snaps. They’re turning the ball over in the red zone, blowing coverages, and not picking up simple blitz schemes. If Reid wants to keep eating as much as he has been, he better start saving his money…