The SEC Rules, The ACC Blows, And Here’s Our Retraction Statement


by Tommy Gimler

We posted a story two weeks ago that basically said the BCS and the SEC Conference could eat our asses. Like watching the movie A Thousand Words, that was a big mistake.

Three ACC teams had a chance to make a statement today by knocking off three of the best teams the SEC had to offer. Instead, the SEC delivered beat downs that made Ike Turner look like a huge pussy. Georgia destroyed Georgia Tech like a fat kid at an all-you-can-eat ice cream stand, Florida forced five Florida State turnovers en route to a 37-26 win, and South Carolina made the “fast” Clemson offense look about as fast as Charlie Weis.

So, there you have it. That’s why three two-loss teams and Florida were ranked ahead of Florida State and Clemson. It’s because the best football in the country is played in the SEC, and winning games in the ACC is the equivalent to taking out the skinny albino pussy kid in a game of elementary school dodgeball. Sure, it’s fun, but anybody can do it.

To win games in the ACC, you need flashy athletes and head coaches with funny names like Jimbo, Dabo, and Frank. To be victorious in the SEC, you need football players and head coaches with names that let you know they’ve married outside of their families like Will, Nick, and Mark.

Florida State head coach Jimbo Fisher’s complained two weeks ago about the BCS computers, saying, “I think it stinks. I think the BCS and how we go with all these computers … they got to change how we pick the top teams in this country. It’s not working. We got to get the computers out of there.” We agreed with him.

Is it surprising that somebody named Jimbo hates computers? No. Will you see Jimbo Fisher make a statement saying he was wrong about where the BCS computers ranked his team? No. Will we retract the statement we made about the BCS ruining college football by being in bed with the SEC? You’re damn right we will.

The DUD Retraction

The SEC is the best conference in college football, and it deserves to have six teams in the BCS Top 10. If we’re comparing conferences to the Baldwin brothers, then the SEC would be Alec, the Pac-12 would be William, the Big 12 would be Daniel, and the Big Ten would be Stephen. The ACC would either be a blow job sometime between Daniel and Stephen or the fetus that was aborted once the Baldwin parents found out it was a girl. And you don’t even want to know what the Big East would be.

However, we still stand by this statement: Lane Kiffin blows. And after his team’s performance tonight, even though I didn’t think it was possible, that statement seems to be gaining traction…

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