The Only Thing That Didn’t Happen This Weekend Was Me Getting A Beej

Published by tgim on November 18th, 2012

by Tommy Gimler

On location all weekend in Houston, there was no way I was getting any action with my wife over 1,500 miles away. It was exactly the opposite for football enthusiasts across the country:

Friday, November 16th

5:00pm - Former Chicago Bears player/coach and current ESPN analyst Mike Ditka suffers a minor stroke while playing cards at a country club. No word yet as to whether it was that he found out Shannon Sharpe is on national TV doing the same thing or if somebody told him that they actually liked the “C’mon Man” segment on Monday nights. Either way, I believe that makes it a baker’s dozen, Bob…

8:00pm - Both 3-8 on the season, only 15,405 show up to watch Florida Atlantic and Florida International duke it out on the football field. Even more surprising than the fact that that many people showed up to watch the game is the fact that this game was actually televised…

Saturday, November 17th

Noon - Northwestern drops Michigan State to 0-7 against the spread at home with a 23-20 win in East Lansing. According to ESPN, all seven of Michigan State’s conference games have been decided by four points or fewer. According to The DUD, it’s because every team in the Big Ten is basically the same piece of dog shit…

12:30pm - Western Carolina, a team that hasn’t won one game in the Southern Conference, has to travel to Tuscaloosa and play Alabama the week after suffering their first loss of the season. That would be the equivalent of me traveling to New York City and trying to plow Beyonce. Jay-Z would slice my balls off with a rusty Swiss Army knife and feed them to my mother. And that’s basically what Alabama did to Western Carolina, to the tune of 49-0…

1:00pm - The Florida Gators lead Division 1-AA Jacksonville State by the score of 10-0 at halftime, and go on to win the game 23-0. Somehow, by the end of the weekend, the BCS system will call them the fourth best team in the country. Hmmm. Maybe the same people and computers behind the BCS are the same people who keep giving Eddie Murphy work…

3:00pm - UCLA refuses to allow the USC drum major and his sword onto the field, and the UCLA defense keeps Matt Barkley and the Trojans out of the end zone until the second quarter. The only thing more surprising than UCLA’s ass beating is how in the hell Lane Kiffin still has a job…

3:30pm - Notre Dame takes down Wake Forest by the score of 38-0. That’s it. They were supposed to do that…

8:00pm - The Baylor Bears don’t score any points in the fourth quarter, but that isn’t a problem when you score 52 points in the other three. They knock off the #1 ranked Kansas State Wildcats by 28 points, the most a BCS #1 ranked team has ever lost by. The town of Manhattan, Kansas is devastated by the defeat, and so is nobody else…

8:05pm - Oregon goes down to Stanford in overtime in a thrilling game, and everyone in the country outside of Eugene is loving it. Well, except this guy, who has teased the over down to 59 points. It was a lock. I swear it…

Sunday, November 18th

1:00pm - The Packers score ten points late in the fourth quarter and defeat the dog shit Detroit Lions in cunt stain known as Detroit. All Packers fans are ecstatic. Well, except this guy, who on a separate ticket teased the over down to 46 points. It was a lock. I swear it. Mason Crosby can eat my ass…

1:00pm - Which coach is more lost and more obese right now, Romeo Crennel or Andy Reid? Both of their teams score less than I did my senior year of high school, and I literally grabbed one tit. At least Andy Reid’s quarterback played the whole game this time. But in Kansas City, after only putting six points on the board in the first half, Crennel benches Matt Cassel in favor of Brady Quinn, who goes on to put zero points up there…

1:00pm - Matt Schaub throws for 527 yards, 273 of them to Andre Johnson, as the Texans take down the Jaguars in overtime. The great thing is that Schaub also threw five touchdowns. The pathetic thing is that the Texans needed every single one of them and needed overtime to beat the Jaguars…

4:15pm - Peyton Manning throws for three touchdowns but none of them are as big as Philip Rivers’ TD pass with under two minutes left in the game. Did the Broncos win the game 30-23? Sure. But did Phyllis and the Chargers cover? You fucking know it…

4:25pm - The Patriots put up 59 points against the Indianapolis Colts but lose tight end Rob Gronkowski for the next four to six weeks with a broken forearm. Is anybody else thinking what I’m thinking? More time for porn star pics, Gronk…

8:30pm - The Ravens defeat the Roethlisberger-less Steelers by the score of 13-10, but the most telling stat is this:

Byron Leftwich: 201 passing yards, 1 rushing TD

Joe Flacco: 164 passing yards

We’ve said it before, and I know we’ll say it again. You, Mr. Flacco, are not an elite quarterback. If you are, then I have a nine-inch Armenian hog hiding in my Levi’s…

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