by Tommy Gimler
When Michael Vick suffered a concussion in the first half of Sunday’s game against the Cowboys, Eagles fans finally got what they were thinking all along, and that is even with Nick Foles at quarterback, the Eagles are one of the shittiest teams in the NFL. And after the Jets lost by 21 points in Seattle, we found out that when we said Mark Sanchez was one of the worst quarterbacks in the NFL, we may have given him too much credit.
After beginning the season 3-1, and let’s be honest, they’re lucky that they even started that well, the Eagles have been a bigger disappointment than Cloud Atlas. And after several members of the Jets organization guaranteed the team would make the playoffs, we learned Sunday afternoon that if the Jets are what they eat, they must be eating at Carl’s Jr. because they are a pile of dog shit. Both teams are 3-6. Here’s why:
The DUD Breakdown
Both teams have embarrassingly bad quarterbacks, like Joaquin Phoenix rapping bad.
Michael Vick’s quarterback rating of 77.7 isn’t better than a handful of NFL quarterbacks, but it is higher than the 72.8 mark owned by Mark Sanchez, and that should pretty much sum up the kind of player both of them are. Look, when you’re being mentioned in the same company as Brady, Rodgers, Manning, and Brees, you can plow my wife. But when both of you have a lower QB rating than Christian Ponder, well, the only family member you can sleep with is Uncle Hank, and I’m pretty sure he has syphilis…
Both teams have embarrassingly fat coaches that have lost control of their locker rooms.
I don’t want to hear about how much weight Rex Ryan has lost. When you go from 320 to 250, you’re still fucking fat. And in the case of Andy Reid, well, gross. Sadly, Reid lost his son during the preseason to a heroin overdose, and in my opinion, since then, his focus hasn’t been where it needs to be to coach an NFL team, nor should it be. But Rex Ryan has no excuse. A good coach would have yanked Mark Sanchez one year before he was drafted.
Neither team can score points.
The Jets rank 21st in scoring and the Eagles rank, wait for it, 29th in points scored. Any time you’re linked with the Chiefs, Cardinals, and Jaguars, it’s a good sign that you have more problems than Jay-Z, except as we outlined earlier, one of those problems might be that you have a bitch at quarterback. Maybe the problem with the Eagles is that the guy calling the plays once elected to kick in overtime after winning the coin toss. Maybe the problems with the Jets is that Mark Sanchez’s leading receiver has fewer catches than Dennis Pitta and Andrew Hawkins. Either way, in their current state, Stephen Hawking has a better chance at running a marathon than either of these teams has at leading the league in scoring.
Neither team can win on the road.
The Eagles have been outscored 87-50 away from The Link, and the Jets have been crushed 107-69 on the road. Apparently, cheating on their significant others when they travel creates quite the significant disadvantage for both teams.
The last two weeks show that both teams have thrown in the towel.
With both teams aware that a loss last week and especially this week would put a bigger dent in their season than Rosie O’Donnell at Old Country Buffet, neither team showed any sign of understanding the dire situation they were in. The Jets have been outscored 58-16 while the Eagles have been humiliated on national television to the tune of 66-36.
The Philadelphia Eagles and New York Jets are dog shit teams with dog shit quarterbacks, dog shit coaches, and a serious lack of talent (more than you’d think, Eagles fans). Both teams need an overhaul from top to bottom. Until they do, Antonio Cromartie will continue to more than the double the amount of kids than his team does victories…