That 4th And 29 Play Was Shit From Pig, Bro
by Rakesh The Intern
Check it out, bro. We push last week, but that Chargers game was more disappointing than my cousin Baldev’s SAT scores, my friend. Dude ironically struggles with spelling, bro. I say we put that game behind us look to the weekend at hand because Rakesh is liking what he is looking at or whatever you call it, my friend.
Here is what I am thinking this weekend, bro:
Pittsburgh (-7) at South Florida and UNDER 46.5 points
Holy crap, bro. Did you see South Florida play against Cincinnati last week, my friend? What a boring game, bro. I think I would have rather watched my gay cousin Hari brush his purse dog, bro. Pretty much South Florida’s entire team is hurt, my friend, including their quarterback starter and three of their catchers. In their last three games, they’ve averaged less than 11 points a game, bro. My Uncle Karthik could score more than that, and he was born without a pecker, bro. Pittsburgh has covered four of last five game, but they do not score a lot on road, my friend. If you’re into double-teaming or parlay action or whatever you call it in this country, you would we wise to consider both Pittsburgh and the under here, my friend…
Oklahoma State at Baylor UNDER 87.0 points
Check it out, bro. I get fact that both of these teams score points, my friend. Oklahoma State has hit four consecutive overs, and Baylor has hit three consecutive overs, bro. The boys in Vegas do not allow for such easy bet to happen again, my friend, and for this over to hit, the teams will have to combine for 22 points every quarter. All it takes is for one dropped pass near the middle of field and den one team’s kicker to pin other team deep in own territory, and you’re dicked, bro. Also, bro, the last two games between both of these teams have gone to 83 points. Like my Uncle Omkar used to say before he was sent to prison for beating wife every time his favorite cricket team Kolkata Knight Riders would lose, “The best part about the under is that you are winning until you lose, my friend.”
UCF at Tulsa (-2) and UNDER 55.0 points
Check it out, bro. I probably couldn’t pick out Tulsa on a map of these United States, but I can guarantee the people of Tulsa are eating better than the people of my hometown of Howrah, my friend. Bad drought this year, bro. My Aunt Riya and Uncle Gaurav drove there once because they heard Oklahoma had a large Indian population, but it turns out it was the wrong kind, bro. Anyway, bro. Tulsa doesn’t lose at home, my friend. They hosted UCF two weeks ago and the only reason game was close was because of pick six. Tulsa has #7 ranked red zone defense and UCF has #22 ranked red zone defense, so expect field goals, my friend..
New England Patriots at Miami Dolphins UNDER 51.5 points
Look, bro. I am not a fan of following trends, my friend. I don’t wear these jeans that Americans by at Hollister or Abercrombie or whatever you call it in this country, bro. Jesus, bro, all of the jeans there have holes in them and they still want $90 for them. If you want ripped jeans, my friend, I’ll have my cousin Baldev’s cousin Raunak send some over from Howrah for like five bucks, bro. The Patriots have hit the over in nine consecutive games, my friend, and the boys in Vegas do not allow for such easy bet to happen ten times in row in the pro game, bro. And if you think the Dolphins are going to put up points against Bill Belichick defense, think again, bro. Think again…
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Denver Broncos OVER 50.5 points
Check it out, bro. Tampa Bay hasn’t scored under 23 points in a game since September, my friend. Peyton Manning is going up against a defense that gives up over 300 yards per game, bro. I’ll tell you this, bro. I would let Peyton Manning ravage my sister Shivani if she wasn’t already arranged to get married to this guy Babu who owns couple of Subway sandwich shops in Howrah, my friend. Lowest point total for Manning and Bronco at home is 25, and that came in loss. Lowest point total in win at home is 30. Bro, I’m telling you. The numbers are right in front of you. Go big like elephant on this over, bro…
Last Week: 3-3
This Season: 15-11-1