Thanksgiving Thursday Football Thoughts
by Tommy Gimler
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Look at this illusion closely. Is it the gayest moment in the history of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade? Or is it really a picture of Kenny Chesney?
Stuck in the shithole American’s refer to as “Houston” on one of my favorite holidays, I’ve surprisingly enjoyed a day of watching NFL football by myself and scarfing down this Applebee’s sirloin. Well, at least it’s supposed to be a sirloin. Anyway, here are a few takeaways from today’s action.
I am actually thankful for Ndamukong Suh.
Every time I look in the mirror and think I might be an asshole, Ndamukong Suh just happens to be on national television to prove me wrong. Seriously, is there a bigger prick in the game today? After stomping a Green Bay Packers’ offensive lineman last year on Thanksgiving, Suh was up to his same old asshole-ish routine again today against the Houston Texans.
Midway through the first quarter, Suh literally kicked Texans quarterback Matt Schaub in his flouch. Click on the link below to watch the play for yourself and draw your own conclusion, but it’s pretty obvious that Suh extends or kind of jabs his foot into an area usually reserved for Mrs. Schaub (who is smoking hot, by the way):
Almost just as bad, CBS commentator/turd Phil Simms got three or four looks at it and determined that it wasn’t intentional.
Given his history, hopefully the NFL will come down with some kind of penalty against this asshole. And we’ll also see what they decide to do with Suh…
Kenny Chesney is gay.
Chesney’s halftime show at Cowboys Stadium was pretty much the cherry on top of the sundae in regards to this matter. How can you perform on stage with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and not get an erection or at the very least call any of them over to dance on you. Instead, the only female that Chesney brings up on stage to dance looked like she was 12.
Type “Robert Downey Jr” into your Google box. You’ll find “Robert Downey Jr Movies” third from the top, and that’s because Robert Downey Jr. is in a lot of movies. Now type “Justin Timberlake.” You’ll find “Justin Timberlake Songs” third from the top, and that’s because Justin Timberlake sings a lot of songs. Now type “Kenny Chesney.” You’ll find “Kenny Chesney Gay” third from the top, and that’s because Kenny Chesney is gay.
Look, we’ve been through this before with Ricky Martin and Anderson Cooper, and they both issued denial after denial before finally admitting that they were almost as gay as the Minnesota Vikings. In Martin’s case, his PR agencies even threatened legal action to any members of the media who referred to their client as anything but heterosexual until their client finally came out of the closet in 2010.
If you’re gay, there is nothing wrong with that. But to vehemently deny that you are when the only proof of being heterosexual is a sham marriage of four months to Renee Zellweger, a woman so brutally ugly that if given the choice of sleeping with her or Chesney, I would choose choose her but just barely, now that’s wrong.
Robert Griffin III can plow my sister.
Well, whichever one isn’t hopefully being ravaged by Mike Trout.
With just under ten minutes left in the game, here are RG3′s numbers:
17/23 for 272 yards, 4 TD, 0 INT, 152.5 rating
All of the comparisons to Cam Newton need to stop immediately. This kid truly is something special, and the fact that he is a rookie is mind-bottling. You know, what happens when your thoughts get all trapped up like in a bottle.
Just looking at his stat line from tonight’s game doesn’t do him any justice. Check out some of these throws by clicking the links below:
And just as I’m about to make this post, RG3 throws a bad pick. But the offer still stands. Happy Thanksgiving…