Sorry If Your Wife Left You Last Week, Bro
by Rakesh The Intern
Brutal week last week, bro. I did not know that the Gators of Florida would come out and lay egg or whatever you call it against a completely inferior Missouri squad. And what is deal with Buffalo and Houston putting only 30 points on board, bro? Tell you what, my friend. This week we get it all back.
From what I hear, I was only one not to hit major parlay action last week, so beware this week, bro. Don’t pretend you are a god or bigger than your britch or whatever you call it. Vegas always get their money back, bro. Well, unless you are picking the games below, my friend.
Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, bro:
Northwestern (+10) at Michigan
Check it out, bro. Denard Robinson will not play in this game, and even though he is the most overrated player in college football, my friend, it does not bode well for the Wolverine. Sure, bro, backup Devin Gardner did throw for 234 yards and 2 TD against Minnesota last week, but I’ll tell you bro, that’s like me beating crap out of my cousin Neelesh, and he lost both his arms playing in an old mine field last year when his family travel to Bangladesh, bro. Sad shit, bro. Also, the pretty girly talking weather on my television say it will be raining all day, bro, and in that case I like the team that can run football. Northwestern run for almost 240 yards per game, my friend, against a Michigan defense that gives up almost 150 per game. I don’t think Northwestern wins this game, my friend, but to lose by two scores? You’ve got to be kidding me, bro…
Arizona State at USC (-8.5)
Bro, if you have been betting on USC, you probably are reading this from library or something because you have been taking beating. The Trojan have only covered in 2 of their 9 games, and I have feeling that they will get it in gear at their homecoming game, my friend. Lane Kiffin is on the hot chair or whatever you call it in this country, and now he has to deal with deflated ball controversy. Kiffin is like my crazy Uncle Omkar, bro. He cheat at everything back in Howrah, like cricket at family reunion and bridge games against my Grandpa Sahir. Then, whenever you accuse him of cheating, bro, he blow you out because he so embarrassed, bro…
Detroit at Minnesota – UNDER 46.0
Check it out, bro. Christian Ponder is like worse than pig shit right now, and he will be without his best catcher Harvin, my friend. That Peterson sure can run ball well, but that is about it for the Viking, bro. The Lions’ Calvin Johnson like can’t feel shit in his fingers, bro, and Matthew Stafford will have trouble getting him the ball anyway, my friend. Jared Allen will be beating his ass like Uncle Omkar used to beat his wife back in Howrah. He is now in prison for like six years, and Stafford might be in hospital with a broken shoulder, my friend. If football fantasy is a game you are playing, bro, you might want to pick up kickers in this one. When opponents of Detroit get in red zone this year, they only find the touchdown 41% of the time. I don’t know why, bro, but I also don’t like fact that both teams are coming off of two consecutive overs hitting. Something smell like fish here, my friend…
Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints – OVER 53.5
Here is my thinking on this one, bro. The Saints have been playing in two consecutive games where the under came in. When was the last time they play in three consecutive games that hit the under, bro? Plus, the last two games that these two teams play in New Orleans have hit the over. Don’t be fooled by the under on Monday night, my friend. Michael Vick hasn’t been the same player since he has owned a dog that he’s kept alive. Other than the Eagle, the lowest point total against New Orleans this year was 24 by the Chargers, bro. Atlanta is like twice the team San Diego is, my friend. Load and lock up, and watch these team score more than Charlie Sheen in Amsterdam, bro.
Last Week: 1-3
This Season: 7-6