Rakesh Will Try To Make You More Rich, Bro

Rakesh

by Rakesh The Intern

What is wrong with you, my friend? I do this American football betting article for like three Friday now, and you still don’t trust Rakesh, bro? Trust me, bro, and your piles of cash will be higher than a gallon of gas in New York.

Here is what I am thinking for this weekend, my friend:

Akron at Kent State (-20)

Ok, bro. Kent State has covered the spread seven straight times ever since getting the piss beaten out of them by Kentucky in their season opener, much like the way my crazy Uncle Omkar used to beat his wife. While he’s now in an institution, my friend, the Kent State defense continues to run free and terrorize their opponents, bro. They forced like seven turnovers last week against Rutgers, and coincidentally, that is the same number of siblings I have, bro. Western Michigan had six turnovers against them the week before. Kent State loves to run, my friend, like a troubled American-African teen leaving a liquor store. They rank 24th in the nation in rushing while Akron’s defense, if you even want to call it that, bro, ranks 113th against the run. Load and like lock up on this one, bro.

Missouri at Florida (-17)

Bro, I love big teams at home the week after they lose a big game. I really like those teams when they host a team that struggles against quality teams, much like the way my cousin Ashish struggles with arithmetic, my friend. Seriously, bro, the dude doesn’t know how to handle remainders in simple division. On the other wrist, the Florida Gator, bro, knows how to handle run very well, ranking 13th in country, my friend. Missouri passes the ball about as well as my Grandpa Sahir can see. Thick glasses, bro. The Tigers rank 99th throwing the football, and they’re going against the 16th-ranked pass defense, bro. No chance they get back in this bitch, as the kids would say in this country, when they go down early. Seriously, bro. Missouri might not even score.

Buffalo at Houston OVER 47.5

Look, bro. This one is easy money or bling or presidents or whatever the kids in this country are calling it these days, my friend. The Bills defense gives up a league-worst 176.9 yards rushing, bro, and the Texans have this guy named Arian Foster to run through it like the way that Chunk kid ran through door in my favorite movie Goonie. In fact, the entire Buffalo defense gets scored on more than anybody in the league (32.4 ppg), much like how P!nk made her way through the record industry. The Buffalo offense averages about 24 points a game, my friend, and that is also the amount of points they’ve averaged after their bye week over the last five years, including 34 two years ago against Baltimore. If you like points, bro, this is the game for you. If you don’t, then go watch soccer, you little bitch pussy, bro.

Minnesota at Seattle (-4)

So, the Cowboys, Packers, and Patriots all come into Seattle and lose, bro, and we’re supposed to think the Vikings actually have a shot at winning this, my friend? We’re not going to compare quarterbackers, bro, because it would be like comparing a light piece of shit of a dog to a dark one. Who cares, bro? They’re both dog shit. Minnesota’s #5 rushing offense runs into the #7 rushing defense, bro, while Seattle’s #6 rushing offense runs over the #19 rushing defense. Numbers don’t lie, my friend, but they do kill. Just ask my fifth-cousin Halim. He was killed in my hometown of Howrah when a filing cabinet filled with multiplication cards fell out of a window and crushed him. Sad shit, bro.

Last Week: 3-2

This Season: 6-3

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