Performance Enhancing…Pork Swords?


by Tommy Gimler

Since Brandon Marshall has been stabbed, arrested for driving under the influence, arrested for domestic violence, arrested for disorderly conduct, and arrested for violating probation, I figured nothing the Chicago Bears wide receiver said or did anymore would shock me. But like Flavor Flav being allowed to mate, I was wrong.

Marshall told the Chicago Sun-Times yesterday that he’s heard of some NFL players using Viagra to gain a competitive edge, saying, “I know guys, it is such a competitive league, guys try anything just to get that edge. I’m fortunate enough to be blessed with size and some smarts to give me my edge. But some guys, they’ll do whatever they can to get an edge. I’ve heard of some crazy stories. I’ve heard guys using like Viagra, seriously. Because the blood is supposedly thin, some crazy stuff. So, you know, it’s kind of scary with some of these chemicals that are in some of these things so you have to be careful.”

Careful? That’s one way to put it. If I’m an NFL player going up against another that is using Viagra, I’m not concerned with the chemicals running through his veins as much as I am with getting tackled and/or penetrated by his hog in an area that I won’t even let my wife tickle with her pinky finger.

But are NFL players really using Viagra to gain an edge? I’m thinking not, and if the notion of such use is coming from somebody like Brandon Marshall, then I’m fairly confident with my assessment. Bears linebacker Lance Briggs agrees, telling reporters that he has never heard anything like that.

Then again, studies have shown cyclists that have taken Viagra showed improved performance levels as high as 40%. Dr. Andrew McCullough, a sexual health expert at New York University School of Medicine, which is pretty much the best job ever, said, “If you have more oxygen going to your muscles, that’s more energy and that makes you a better athlete. Even if it only gives you a 10 percent increase, in peak athletes, that is enough to win.”

The DUD’s Take

Unless NFL players are stuffing their jock straps with salad bowls, I think it would be pretty obvious if they were using Viagra to gain a competitive edge.

The next time you’re sporting a massive one hole friction whistle, try chasing your dog around your condo. It’s not a sick sexual activity. It’s just to show you that it would be nearly impossible to keep up with somebody like Larry Fitzgerald if you are taking the field with a huge pleasure piston.

At the very least, Marshall’s comments might finally explain this picture from the Summer Olympics in London and how these American rowers were able to capture the bronze medal in the coxless (haha) four event:

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2 Responses to Performance Enhancing…Pork Swords?

  1. Gary D says:

    Brandon Marshall is legit, bro. When I pop a blue pill here at the office my productivity increases at least 60%. And by productivity I mean how many times I go whack off in the office restroom.

    • tgim says:

      Rakesh is working on it, but we are checking to see if this was the best comment anybody has ever left. Probably Top 5 for sure.

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