Just Like 5th Girl I Plowed, The Marlins Franchise Is A Dead Fish

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by Tommy Gimler

I’m telling you, kids. Dealing with Sears Home Delivery is almost as painful as being a Marlins season ticket holder. But just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for Fish fans, Jeffrey Loria and the gang in the front office prove that there really is no bottom for this franchise.

In an effort to lure back five or six of the fans that may have jumped ship after last week’s fire sale, Loria and the Fish announced today that they are actually spending money on a big-named free agent. Drum roll, please…

They’re bringing back old fan-favorite Juan Pierre for the 2013 season. Boom.

I’m not sure which part is more laughable, the fact that while most teams were looking to add the speedy outfielder in a platoon role, the Marlins will have Pierre start or the list of incentives more unattainable than those in Ricky Williams’ first contract with the Saints. Check these out:

$25,000 bonus if he’s an All-Star – The day the All-Star Game features bunting and infield singles rather than home runs and doubles is the day you’ll find me taking a sewing class at Michael’s with my new boyfriend Greg on Super Bowl Sunday…

$25,000 each for winning a Gold Glove or Silver Slugger – I’m putting this out there right now. If Juan Pierre wins a Silver Slugger Award, all of you, even you dad, can take turns plowing my wife. And I’ll have to watch. Cody Ross, Russell Martin, and Trevor Plouffe all had more home runs last year than Pierre has hit in his entire career…

$50,000 if he’s an LCS MVP – Take this one in again for a second. Juan Pierre: The 2013 NLCS MVP for the Miami Marlins. Seriously, you’ll have a better chance reading this next October: Tommy Gimler: The Man Who Sold 20 Million Albums in One Year…

$100,000 if he’s the World Series MVP - I suppose, if Juan Pierre and his $1.6 million salary get traded to the Phillies, and since that is the fifth highest salary on the Marlins payroll, getting traded really isn’t a stretch. And with how pathetic the Phillies offense has been in recent memory, I suppose Pierre hitting somehow hitting .600 and stealing six bases over a five-game span isn’t too much of a stretch either. Still, you’re more likely to see this: Clint Howard: People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive…

$100,000 if he’s the league MVP - As in, the Most Valuable Pierre in the league? Seriously, who in the hell is Pierre’s agent, Caitlin Upton?

Let’s put it this way. Juan Pierre will earn a base salary of $1.6 million next season, and once you tally up all of the incentives he earned at the end of the season, he’ll make $1.6 million. Just for shits and giggles, can you name the four “players” making more money than Pierre next year that are currently on the Marlins roster? Three of the four sound like they could have been the guys who delivered my refrigerator today: Ricky Nolasco, Yunel Escobar, Adeiny Hechavarria, and Greg Dobbs. Hahaha. Greg Dobbs. With a name like Greg Dobbs, you should be required to have a mustache year round, especially if I’m paying you $1.5 million. Now that’s an incentive…

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