Jack Taylor Is Probably Getting Laid Right Now

jack taylor

by Tommy Gimler

Because that’s what happens when you score more points in one game than Wilt Chamberlain ever did.

Before Tuesday night, nobody in America knew who in the hell Jack Taylor the sophomore guard at Grinnell College in Iowa was, and that’s probably because Jack Taylor is a sophomore guard at Grinnell College in Iowa. But when you score more points by yourself than any team in the NBA has in a non-overtime game this season, people are kind of going to take notice.

Taylor finished Tuesday night’s 179-104 victory over Faith Baptist Bible College with 138 points on 52 of 108 shooting (27 of 71 from beyond the arc) along with sinking 7 of 10 from the charity stripe. If you want to compare what Jack Taylor did on the court Tuesday night to what Wilt Chamberlain did off the court over his lifetime, then Taylor basically saw Chamberlain and raised him a Charlie Sheen…

The DUD Breakdown

*When I saw the name of the college Taylor and his Grinnell teammates took down, my first thought was that the coach of Faith Baptist Bible College only played with three human beings on the court along with their other two teammates: God and the Holy Spirit. But it turns out one of the Faith Baptist humans is also quite good at this game they call basketball. David Larson made 34 of his 44 attempts and finished with 70 points. You could argue that Larson actually had a better game than Taylor. I mean, anybody can throw up 108 shots and score a shit ton of points. Well, anybody except Stephen Hawking, I guess…

*After a game in which he took 108 shots, Taylor told ESPN’s SportsCenter that “he felt pretty confident.” No shit…

*Since we’re on the topic of college basketball, I’d like to remind everybody that Brittney Griner is a dude (46-second mark):

*Jack Taylor should starting cashing in on this with the broads immediately. It’s as simple as this for him right now:

Jack Taylor: Hi. I’m Jack Taylor.

Broad: Oh, are you the guy who scored 138 points in a basketball game?

Jack Taylor: That’s me.

Broad: Oh, baby. Let’s see if you can score some more…in my crotch.

Or something like that. My point is this. Do you know who Bevo Francis and Frank Selvy are? Of course not. Turns out they are the only other guys to score 100 points or more in a single basketball game at the collegiate level. Think they’re slaying top notch poon these days? Probably not, since they’re 80 years old. But I’ll bet my left stone that it’s been quite some time since they’ve nailed anything worth talking about on Tuesday nights at the Elks Lodge.

Everybody remembers Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point effort because it happened in the pros, not against a Division III school whose players actually look like they practice the religion the school is selling. I mean, did you see those guys Taylor was chucking against? They were all white, for Christ’s sake.

Take advantage of this, Jack Taylor. You just experienced something truly special that most people will never experience in their lifetime. Take it all in and enjoy it, because three years from now, nobody is going to know who in the hell you are, and the only reason they’ll be talking to you is because they need to buy insurance for their house…

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