Hey Kids! Take PED’s And You’ll End Up Getting $16 Million
by Tommy Gimler
Here’s something that’s more disgusting than Steve Buscemi’s teeth. R.A. Dickey just won the National League Cy Young Award, and he is having trouble getting a reasonable offer from the New York Mets. Meanwhile, Melky Cabrera, recently reinstated following a 50-game suspension for PED use, inked a two-year, $16 deal north of the border.
Maybe Toronto Blue Jays general manager Alex Anthopoulos is getting a bonus for every new player he brings in before Thanksgiving. Or maybe he knows that teaming up with Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarnacion, Melky Cabrera will be able to mask his PED use much better than he did the last two seasons. Either way, the message that Toronto and Major League Baseball just sent to kids across the country and current players one or two years away from free agency is this:
Steroids and PEDs are like Asian broads. Do them, and you’ll be lavishly rewarded.
Seriously, what’s the worst that’s going to happen? In Melky Cabrera’s case, he was a .267 hitter after 4+ disappointing seasons with the New York Yankees and Atlanta Braves. After being released by Hotlanta, only the Royals throw monkey food at him. One year, $1.25 million. I guess you could make the argument that even if you’re a bag of dog shit player, you can still be a millionaire in MLB, but that’s a different story.
But out of nowhere, Cabrera busts out in 2010 with the Royals, hitting 25 points higher than he ever had before along with career highs in home runs, RBI, and stolen bases. Think it was the genius advice of Royals manager Ned Yost? Think again. Even the Royals knew something was up, as they shipped him to San Francisco for Jonathan Sanchez. He would finish 2012 as the worst pitcher in all of baseball.
The Giants gave Cabrera $6 million based on his 2010 effort, and we all know what happened next. So, here’s a guy who just two seasons ago could only get $1.25 from the Royals and went on to miss most of the second half of last season after being suspended for PEDs (not to mention the embarrassing attempt to cover it up/deny it), and the Blue Jays reward him with a raise? That is the equivalent to me being a D-plus student for my entire college career with the exception of the B-minus I notched in my beginner’s golf class, but the night before my Religious Studies midterm, I sleep with the smart fat broad and steal her notes, not to mention her virginity. The professor busts me because I have the notes on my lap while I’m taking the test. The professor kicks me out of the class, but when it comes time for my report card, I see that I got an A in the class despite all of that.
So, now what are fathers across the country supposed to tell their sons if they ask, “Dad, should I take steroids?”
Their answer should be a resounding yes.
If taking steroids or PEDs is going to put $16 million in my pocket, sign me up. I’ll do them all and then chase them down with a lukewarm glass of Jose Canseco’s semen for $16 million. That is, if he can even produce any at this point. Shit, what wouldn’t I do for $16 million? Bend John Goodman over a chair, and I’ll plow away on that fat fuck for $16 million. Dig up the body of Eleanor Roosevelt, and I’ll go down on her for six minutes for $16 million. In fact, I’d plow away on John Goodman bent over a chair after I eat out Roosevelt’s corpse for six minutes for $16 million.
Kudos to the Blue Jays for pulling off the blockbuster trade earlier this week with the Marlins. Hey, when somebody dangles top notch talent in front of you when all they want in return is a shortstop who is best known for writing gay slurs on his eye black along with a couple of other guys who should be pretty good at working with a jackhammer in the very near future, you make that deal. But shame on you for giving Melky Cabrera $16 million. You just did your part to ensure PEDs are part of the game for years to come…