by Tommy Gimler
The New York Times is reporting that 5-Hour Energy was responsible for 13 deaths over the last four years. Again, 5-Hour Energy, not the people who consumed it, being the responsible party. We think only 13 deaths in a four-year period is pretty fucking good.
The investigative piece said that out of the 90 filings reported to the FDA over the last four years, 30 of them mentioned heart attacks, convulsions, and a spontaneous abortion. The FDA also reported last month that Monster Energy had been cited in five deaths.
The DUD Breakdown
*In the case of the spontaneous abortion, if a woman was stupid enough to take an energy shot or crush an energy drink like Red Bull or Monster while she was pregnant, then that might have been the best thing for the kid. With a mother as brilliant as that, odds are it would have long, tough, yet short road anyway that would have ended up with the kid looking something like this right before he kicked it:
*What you won’t find in the report is exactly how many 5-Hour Energy drinks the deceased individual consumed before he or she perished. 5-Hour Energy even warns consumers on the side of each bottle not to ingest more than two energy shots in a 24-hour period, consumed hours several hours apart. So, if these dipshits popped two, three, or seven in a row so they could stay up until Tuesday to play the new Assassins Creed, is that the company’s fault? Also absent from the report is what else these people ingested before and after they downed the energy shot or whether or not each person had a history of heart trouble or convulsions. I mean, did one of these guys or girls also start convulsing one time while doing something else as harmless like watching Private Practice?
*In 2009, Living Essentials sold 350 million two-ounce bottles of 5-Hour Energy. Let’s say they have sold that many every year since. That’s 1.4 billion bottles in a four-year period. 13 deaths that may or may not have been the result of the drink. 1.4 billion bottles sold. That means for every bottle of 5-Hour Energy sold, .0000000093 people have died or one death for every 107,692,308 bottle sold. That’s pretty a pretty nice ratio there, I think. Meanwhile, roughly 75,000 Americans die each year as a result of the 28 billion liters of alcohol sold. That’s one death for every 373,333 liters sold, and remember, that is just one year whereas the 5-Hour Energy numbers are over a four-year period.
*While we’re at it, Americans bought 10.8 million guns last year. 31,224 people die each year from gun-related incidents (according to the CDC Web-based Injury Statistics Query and Reporting System). That’s one death for every 346 guns sold.
*Even better, check this out:
- 450 people die each year from falling out of bed
- 600 people die from masturbation-related activities every year
- 34 people are killed by dogs every year
- 4 people die each year on roller coasters
- 19 people died during the 2009-2010 skiing/snowboarding season while wearing a helmet.
- One woman died at a theater in Wichita while watching Passion of the Christ.
*I had one 5-Hour Energy today, I’ve been diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat, and I’m alive.
Look, people die. Somewhere along the way, though, people have stopped blaming themselves and/or their loved ones for their own actions. Read the full New York Times article by clicking here. Then make your own conclusions. If you think drinking one energy shot a day is going to kill you, then don’t drink it. Enjoy your latte or coffee instead on your way to work tomorrow. And if you’re driving, keep in mind that killed almost 33,000 people in 2010. Cheers…