by Tommy Gimler
Odds are if the boss man asks you to work overtime this week, you’re going to have to oblige. It’s not because you want to or because you have to save up for holiday shopping. No, if only it were that easy. This week it’s because of Ray Fucking Rice.
For as easy as Saturday’s college football action was for the average American betting man this weekend, Sunday’s NFL games proved to be harder than I will be when sorting through the lesbian section of xhamster.com after making this post. And if you lost big in the early game action, odds are you tried to make it up for it with the afternoon and Sunday night games, and that proved to be a bigger mistake than The Man With The Iron Fists.
Baltimore 16, San Diego 13 OT
With five minutes left in the game, you’re winking at the black chick at the end of the bar even though you’re married because you took our intern Rakesh’s advice and took the Chargers +1.5. But then, right at about the same time as the black chick’s boyfriend who is twice your size comes back from the restroom, you remember that the head coach of the Chargers is Norv Turner, and this one is far from over. And even though Philip Rivers is on the sideline, you still can’t sit comfortable as the Baltimore Ravens, now down by just a field goal, face a 4th and 29 that is pretty much the ball game. And that’s when this happens:
Naturally, the Ravens would kick the game-tying field goal and then the game winner with just over one minute remaining in overtime to crush your bet. Even worse, the only black chick left in the bar that still finds you attractive just might be a dude…
San Francisco 31, New Orleans 21 – OVER/UNDER 52.5
The 49ers and Saints combine for 49 points, almost all of them on account of Drew Brees’ right arm, and there’s still over seven minutes left in the third quarter. Almost a full fifteen minutes go by before the next score, which comes courtesy of David Akers’ left foot. But still, you and your over bet are winners, right? I mean, it’s the fourth quarter, Drew Brees is down 10, and they’re at home.
And when Brees throws another incompletion on 4th and 11 from his own 36, you’re still in good shape! Even if the Niners get stuffed here, they’ll still kick a field goal so New Orleans will have to score two touchdowns to win this bitch. I mean, he’s only missed one field goal in his last four games, from what we understand he’s free and clear of Ponzi schemes these days, and he kicked a 63-yarder earlier this year for Christ’s sake.
And just in case he misses that one and the Saints fail to score with the amazing field position that’s been handed to them, the Niners will get the ball back and probably have another shot at a field goal.
All of the above happens, and David Akers gets a chip shot field goal blocked by the Saints. Plus, just for good measure, the Saints have one last shot for Brees to heave it from his own 40, but Brees takes a knee, even after the 49ers call a timeout for some unexplained reason, and the under comes in by a cunt hair…
New York Giants 38, Green Bay Packers 10 – OVER/UNDER 51
Eli and the Giants had almost two weeks to rest their dead arms, the Packers’ quarterback is named Aaron Rodgers, and both defenses have holes bigger than Deauxma’s birth canal. The over in this game is a bigger lock than a northern Wisconsin wife getting beat after a Green Bay Packers loss.
And it couldn’t get off to a better start. Both teams score quick touchdowns on their first possessions, and the two teams combine for 41 first half points. It takes a while for either team to score in the third quarter, but the Giants finally cross the goal line with 3:41 left in the frame, so all you need is a field goal to push.
Sooner or later, the Packers have to start moving the football, and that’s exactly what they do late in the third. But the drive stalls, and because they’re down by what seems like nine or ten scores, they can’t kick the field goal that you so desperately need. Then again, even if they did trot Mason Crosby out there, he probably would have shanked it anyway.
But there’s still hope. The Packers defense has been worse than a Goo Goo Dolls album all night long, and that trend doesn’t let up. The Giants drive all the way down to the Packers’ 2-yard line, and although they’ve been averaging over five yards per carry, they can’t punch it in, turn the ball over on downs, and when Graham Harrell trots out for the Packers, you know this bet is about as dead as Carrie Fisher’s acting career…