by Tommy Gimler
SPOILER ALERT: This article is about the Olympics.
I’m pretty sure we’ve established that watching the Olympics is about at painful as shoving a screwdriver up your peehole. And not a Phillips head, either.
But thanks to both of our readers who still think we give a shit about the Olympics, a couple of memorable moments have been brought to our attention that actually deserve some kind of recognition. So, just like the Olympics, we’re going to award medals to these three moments that actually were worth the five minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Only these medals won’t come with a $9,000 tax bill from the IRS attached to them…
Bronze Medal – (USA) Mystery Whisper Shits Before The Equestrian Individual Jumping Finals
The folks at Deadspin think this is the first Olympian to crap during his event, but you have to think that it has happened before. I mean, some of those weightlifters really give it everything they’ve got (foreshadowing alert).
Take a look at Mystery Whisper, just before the horse’s attempt to win a medal, and you’ll understand why his attempt ended up so, well, shitty:
Look, you have to give the horse credit here. The fact that he was able to go through with the event in front of an audience was impressive enough. When it’s my turn to take the Browns to the Super Bowl, I can’t do it unless I’m alone in a room with a locked door that sits somewhere between 62-71 degrees Fahrenheit, and there is some kind of laptop or smut magazine to get me focused. That this horse was able to compete and only get eight seconds worth of penalties earned our respect and (more appropriately) the bronze medal.
Silver Medal – (USA) Women’s Water Polo Team Shows You What The Spanish Women Are Made Of
All right, pervert. Take a look to your left. Now take a look to your right. Actually, turn completely around and make sure your boss or that evil cunt of a co-worker who’s been jonesing to get you in front of the HR folks for the last six months isn’t standing behind you. Now bury your face in this:
Yup, that’s a Spanish nipple. Apparently Twitter was lit up more than Nick Nolte after the incident, and that begs the question, “How many people would finally watch this sport, or any women’s sport other than beach volleyball for that matter, if you let the ladies play wearing only their smiles?”
Gold Medal – (South Korea) Sa Jae-hyouk Jacks Up His Elbow Trying To Lift Twice His Weight
Yeah, that picture pretty much says it all.
That isn’t comedian Bobby Lee doing an impression of Sarah Palin’s retarded son. That is Sa Jae-hyouk. He is a South Korean weight lifter (or at least he was) who weighs in at 170 pounds. Here is his attempt to lift 357 pounds:
Oh, we should warn you. The images in that video you just watched might be considered “disturbing.”
Sa-Jae Hyouk didn’t win an Olympic medal for his attempt in the snatch, and I’m pretty sure he won’t get any of that either if she shows any Korean broads that video…