by Tommy Gimler
Apparently, those Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl teams of the 1990′s were a little more twisted than we thought.
According to Owner/GM/Turd Jerry Jones, as long as the team can get him some “glory hole” like he had back in those days, then this season should be a great success:
Yup. That’s the guy making all of the personnel decisions for the Dallas Cowboys.
Yet despite that handicap, the Cowboys actually have some talent on their squad. Some “experts” think there is enough talent for the Boys to make a Super Bowl run this year.
But doesn’t this all sound familiar? Oh yeah. It’s because they say the same goddamn thing every single year, like ESPN’s Adam Schefter last year. He had the Cowboys losing to the Patriots in the Super Bowl and Jason Garrett winning Coach of the Year honors. The problem is that they usually don’t give that award to guys who ice their own kickers.
Statistically, Tony Romo had a pretty good year last year, throwing the ball for over 4,000 yards, 31 touchdowns, and only 10 picks. DeMarco Murray, Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, and Jason Witten were all solid weapons surrounding him. DeMarcus Ware was the best linebacker in the game, finishing the year with 19.5 sacks. And they’re all coming back.
But I just can’t buy into the Cowboys this year. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So, for me to pick the Cowboys to finish atop the NFC East or even make the playoffs for that matter, would literally make me insane.
This year, I’m picking the Cowboys to finish 8-8. Here’s why:
1) Jerry Jones is the general manager. Might as well just pour it on here. Take a look at teams who are relevant year in and year out like New England, Green Bay, and Pittsburgh. They have created a system whose parts are built through the draft and a little here and there through free agency.
Jerry Jones is the guy who brings in big name wide receivers with big league baggage. When another team releases a player because of a DUI, rape, or DUI and rape, you know that the Cowboys are on the short list (along with the Bengals) as possible suitors.
Jones also seems to get duped by Mel Kiper and Todd McShay every single year, drafting the flashy guy with loads of talent but the mental capability of Gilbert Grape.
2) This year, it’s Morris Claiborne. Loads of potential and physical talent but dumber than a box of shit. Claiborne is already getting torched in training camp by Dez Bryant, another Jones draft pick with issues as well as other guys who might not even make the team. In fact, his defensive backs coach this about the rookie out of LSU:
I would say right now, he’s like a baby puppy. He doesn’t know. He’s out here running around having fun and playing and making mistakes.
Last year’s secondary was brutal, but the addition of cornerback Brandon Carr is a major upgrade for Rob Ryan’s defense. Carr was a solid press corner for Kansas City last year, and his ability to jam receivers at the line will be crucial to Ryan’s blitz packages. But on the other side is Claiborne, who might need help reading all 499 pages of Ryan’s playbook. Hell, he might not even be able to count that high.
3) On top of that, the Cowboys’ starting strong safety failed his conditioning tests at the start of camp. Brodney Pool was brought in from the New York Jets to help solidify the secondary, and now their are questions about whether or not he’ll beat out Barry Church for the starting job.
Another issue facing the secondary is the Mike Jenkins situation. The cornerback is in a contract year and not happy about being replaced by Carr and Claiborne. The Cowboys have said they will not trade Jenkins, and unless Dez Bryant’s mother shows up to Valley Ranch, this will be the team’s biggest distraction.
4) Even more suspect than the secondary is the Cowboys’ offensive line. Go ahead and blame Tony Romo for all of the Cowboys’ passing game woes, but you can no longer question his heart, toughness, and ability to lock down hot poon after his performance last year. The real problem with the Cowboys’ passing game is their inability to block for Burlington’s finest.
Tyron Smith is supposed to be pretty good someday, but I wouldn’t trust the rest of them to protect my kids if I had any. I don’t, though. They’re annoying.
5) But the most incompetent member of the Cowboys organization might be head coach Jason Garrett. Felix Jones would be a close second, as the backup running back should be sidelined by week four with a hangnail. Mr. Glass couldn’t pass his conditioning test either earlier this week. But at least he never iced his own kicker, costing his team a playoff birth. That blunder can only be found on Garrett’s resume.
Jerry Jones said he wouldn’t put up with another 8-8 season in 2012. While some writers think those words were intended for Romo, in reality it will be Garrett’s ass that gets a boot shoved up it when the Cowboys underachieve again this year.
NOTE: Since I have the Boys finishing 8-8, don’t be surprised if they win 11 games and their division. It’s the Cowboys’ way: making me look like an idiot.
2011 record: 8-8 (3rd place, NFC East)
2012 DUD prediction: 8-8 (3rd place, NFC East)
Vegas says: 8.5 wins (3rd place, NFC East)
CBS Sports says: OVER 8.5 wins
DJ Gallo (ESPN.com) says: UNDER 8.5 wins
Bleacher Report says: 11-5 (1st place, NFC East)