by Tommy Gimler

With the MLB trade deadline less than one week away, here are five players that won’t be moved. Not because of salary restrictions, a no-trade clause in their contract, or their pending free agency this offseason. These turds are staying put for one reason: they’re the worst players in all of baseball. And unlike Mike Trout, they cannot plow my sister.

5. 2B Dan Uggla, Atlanta Braves

Dan Uggla is baseball’s Lou Ferrigno. Uggla’s arms look like Ferrigno’s guns, and his batting average resembles the Hulk’s speech impediment. For the season, the Braves’ second baseman is barely hitting his weight (.213 average), and he has struck out 113 times. Since July 1st, Bizarro Popeye is hitting just .115 with only one home run. In fact, he only has one home run since June 9th. Out of 11 qualifying National League second basemen, Uggla is fourth worst in fielding percentage as well.

4. 1B Carlos Pena, Tampa Bay Rays

Apparently, being part of a Chicago Cubs team for even just one year can kill a career. Case in point, Carlos Pena. In 2010, his last season with the Rays, Pena hit 28 home runs and finished with 84 RBI. He also hit just .196 and struck out 158 times. So, there’s absolutely no way he could do any worse than that after a meaningless year in Chicago, right?

Wrong. Pena has already put a K on the scoresheet 126 times this season, on pace for 210 by October. That would be the third highest total in the history of the game. Well, fourth if you’re counting on Adam Dunn to shatter the record this year like I am. And while he’s on pace to hit 23 balls into the empty bleachers at Tropicana Field, his .190 batting average would be the worst for anybody with over 500 at-bats since Rob Deer hit .179 in 1991.

3. P Jonathan Sanchez, Kansas City Royals

Since a starting pitcher only plays in roughly 20% of their team’s games, it’s hard to consider anybody but an everyday player for this “honor.” But that’s how bad Jonathan Sanchez has been this year. Here’s what Royals GM Dayton Moore said after acquiring Sanchez straight up for OF Melky Cabrera (All-Star, 136 hits, .358 average, .400 OBP, .931 OPS) in the offseason:

He’s a very dynamic left-handed pitcher. His hit rates are very low, his strikeout rates are very high, his walks aren’t something we’re overly excited about, but at the same time he’s very young. He’s somebody our scouts feel is a breakout candidate moving forward into 2012.

If by “dynamic” Moore means a 1-7 record, 2.08 WHIP (by far the worst among pitchers with at least 55 IP), and 8.01 ERA (again the worst in MLB), then he hit the jackpot.

Trying to distance himself from one of the worst trades in recent baseball history, Moore dealt Sanchez to Colorado for Jeremy Guthrie last week. Give him a month under the guidance of Royals’ skipper Ned Yost, and Guthrie could wind up being a bigger turd than Sanchez.

2. 2B Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee Brewers

The question you have to be asking yourself right now is, “Really? Somebody in the league is worse than Rickie Weeks?”

Actually, Weeks has been tearing it up as of late. With a blistering .231 batting average in June and now a .221 mark for July, the Brewers’ second baseman has managed to raise his season average to .200. He is on pace for career lows in batting average, OBP, SLG %, and OPS, and he’s on pace for a career high 190 strikeouts. Ironically, the one year the Brewers fans want to see Weeks go down with a season-ending injury, this douche stays healthy.

In the field, Weeks is the third worst second baseman in all of baseball with a .969 fielding percentage. His 12 errors tie him for the most at the position. I’m pretty sure I speak for all Brewers fans when I say, “Go fuck yourself, Rickie Weeks.”

1. SS Cliff Pennington, Oakland Athletics

Here’s something you don’t want on your resume:

.189 batting average (3rd worst in MLB)

.253 OBP (2nd worst in MLB)

.282 SLG % (2nd worst in MLB)

.541 OPS (worst in MLB)

56 hits (worst in MLB for qualifying hitters)

80 total bases (worst in MLB)

21.4 runs created (worst in MLB)

2.41 runs created per 27 outs (2nd worst in MLB)

There is nothing funny about that.

Author’s Note: While all of these players deserve to be designated for assignment, only Justin Smoak was demoted to Triple A, so he’s not eligible for this list. But yeah, he sucks, too…