by Tommy Gimler
The All-Star teams were announced, the Phillies are just awful, and as always, Logan Morrison is a goddamn idiot.
Stud Team of the Week – San Francisco Giants (5-2)
Apparently when we said the Giants might be in first place by the All-Star Game, we meant last Wednesday. As usual, San Francisco is winning with pitching. Hell, even Tim Lincecum decided to join the party last week with his third win of the season. At week’s end, the Giants ranked 1st in shutouts and saves, 2nd in fewest home runs allowed, 3rd in MLB in ERA and BAA, and 5th in WHIP and quality starts.
If you said the Giants’ pitching staff reminded you of Lou Ferrigno, then their offense would be the kid who bags my groceries at Ralph’s. While their team batting average of .262 ranks 10th in MLB, their power numbers (48 HR and 297 RBI) have them ranked 28th and 24th, respectively. Carlos Lee, anybody?
Runner(s) Up: New York Yankees (5-2), Miami Marlins (4-2)
DUD Team of the Week – Philadelphia Phillies (2-5)
Before the start of the 2012 season, Vegas said the Phillies would win 96 games. For that to happen, the Phillies would have to finish the season hotter than an interracial lesbian threesome in a pool full of Budweiser, to the tune of a 60-21 tear (.741). Obviously, when you lose Halladay, Howard, and Utley for an extended period of time, it’s like taking away my cock and his two nuggets. I would have no reason to go on, and neither do the Phillies’ 2012 postseason hopes.
Coming off of a weekend series sweep at the hands of the lowly Miami Marlins, who had lost 17 of their previous 20 games, the Phillies find themselves 11 games out first place in the NL East. CBS Sports’ Jon Heymen reported over the weekend that GM Ruben Amaro had begun shopping LHP Cole Hamels, but Amaro said today that there is no truth to that rumor, saying the goal is to sign and keep Hamels for the long haul. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to sign some hitting, too…
Runner Up: Los Angeles Dodgers (1-6)
Stud Player of the Week – 2B Robinson Cano, New York Yankees
Speaking of players who are going to get paid if the Mayans and their calendar are wrong, 2B Robinson Cano has been on a tear since June 1st, hitting .346 with 12 HR, 22 R, and 23 RBI. Last week’s splits of .414/4/5/10 have become the norm, satisfying Yankees fans and fantasy dorks across the country.
It was also announced today that Cano would be joining Mark Trumbo, Jose Bautista, and Prince Fielder on the AL Home Run Derby squad. With 16 of his 20 bombs coming against right-handed pitching, you can bet whatever 60-year-old man is out there chucking up gopher balls to Cano will be a righty.
Runner(s) Up: Ryan Zimmerman, Daniel Murphy, Michael McKenry
DUD Player of the Week – 2B Dan Uggla, Atlanta Braves
How in the hell did Uggla get a 33-game hitting streak last year? The struggling Braves’ second baseman had 17 at-bats last week and got one hit? That’s all he got was one goddamn hit? Throw in ten strikeouts, and it just might have been the worst offensive week for any player in 2012.
Since June 1st, Uggla is hitting just .155 with 3 HR and 33 strikeouts. Just how bad is that? Brewers’ second baseman Rickie Weeks, who is having the worst offensive season of any player this year, hit .231 and struck out four fewer times in that same time span.
Runner(s) Up: Brandon Inge, Scott Rolen, Adam Dunn, Rickie Weeks
Dumbest Logan Morrison Tweet of the Week
Milwaukee Brewers OVER 81.5 wins – DAMN
LA Angels of Anaheim OVER 89.5 wins – You fucking know it!
Kansas City Royals UNDER 78.5 wins – You fucking know it!!!
Houston Astros UNDER 62.5 wins – DAMN
On pace for: 2-2
Anderson Cooper announced he was gay. We called that back before this blog was born…