by Tommy Gimler
The New York Giants will not repeat last year’s impressive run to a Super Bowl title. Hell, they might not even make the playoffs.
Offensively, the Giants are pretty much your typical bipolar ex-girlfriend. Eli is the best Manning and one of the top arms in the league. And as far as receiving duos go, does it get any better than Hakeem Nicks and Victor Cruz? This is the happy girlfriend. The one who loves the flowers you bought her and is excited about the chicken parm you just cooked for her.
But then she burns her tongue a little bit on the chicken that honestly might have been a little overcooked. She throws the plate against the wall, throws the flowers out the window, and contemplates ending her life by jumping off your fourth floor balcony. That is basically the rest of the Giants’ offense: fucking brutal.
Last year’s running game finished dead last in YPG, and Brandon Jacobs has bolted for San Francisco along with Super Bowl hero Mario Manningham. The Giants did a great job replacing Jacobs with Virginia Tech standout David Wilson, and they’ll need him because Ahmad Bradshaw basically breaks bones in his feet every time he puts his socks on. But the void left by Manningham’s departure is bigger than pornstar Ava Devine’s gash. Seriously, check it out. It’s huge. The Giants drafted Rueben Randle out of LSU to help fill that hole, but just like Devine, it’s probably going to take a combination of three or four guys to satisfy the Giants’ needs.
The offensive line is also a big question mark, and if they protect Eli this year as “well” as they did against San Francisco in the NFC Championship game, the Giants could be in trouble.
The success of the Giants’ defense lives and dies with their pass rush. Osi Umenyiora and Justin Tuck lead a defense that finished with 48 sacks last season, third most in the NFL. Umenyiora is healthy this year and sans a contract dispute, and that could lead to an even greater total. Throw in Jason Pierre-Paul, and it smells like trouble for opposing teams’ quarterbacks.
Chase Blackburn is a good linebacker and Corey Webster is a great corner, but there are five total fucking losers surrounding them. Unless one of them plays as well as well as Lawrence Taylor in Tecmo Super Bowl, it might be a long season for the G-men.
On top of their offensive line and defensive issues, check out the Giants’ schedule after their Week 11 bye:
Home games vs. Green Bay, New Orleans, and Philly
Away games vs. Washington, Atlanta, and Baltimore
Those games are top of games at Philly, vs. Pittsburgh, at San Francisco, at Dallas, and at Cincinnati.
Keep in mind, though, the last time the Giants won the big game in 2007, they began the 2008 season by winning 10 of their first 11 games before Plaxico Burress ruined his life. 2012 could start the same way, winning four of their first five games against Dallas, Tampa Bay, Carolina, Philadelphia, and Cleveland. But Victor Cruz makes Plaxico Burress look like an angel when he accidentally shoots Hakeem Nicks at Mark Herzlich’s cousin’s bar mitzvah.
2011 record: 9-7 (1st place, NFC East, Super Bowl Champions)
2012 DUD prediction: 9-7 (2nd place, NFC East)
Vegas says: 9.5 wins (2nd place, NFC East)
CBS Sports says: OVER 9.5 wins
DJ Gallo (ESPN.com) says: UNDER 9.5 wins
Bleacher Report says: 9-7 (2nd place, NFC East)