by Dave Iacch “The Voice of No Reason”
These will happen.
The Boston Red Sox will implode and finish in last place in the AL East. Bobby Valentine will then quit and go back to Japan to host a new game show called, “That’s my Sushi.”
R.A. Dickey will implode in the 2nd half. He will lose control of his knuckleball after a freak finger accident trying to un-jam his Miley Cyrus Pez dispenser. The Mets season will go down the drain with the loss of the Dick and they will finish in 4th place.
Matt Kemp will return to his early season form and carry the Dodgers to the World Series. However, they will squander their home field advantage and lose to the Chicago White Sox in 7 games. Kevin Youkilis will be the World Series MVP.
The Pittsburgh Pirates will win the NL Central behind NL MVP Andrew McCutchen. They will lose in the first round of the playoffs when Andrew is hitless in the Pirates sweep to the Cardinals.
Jealous of Mike Trout and Mark Trumbo, Albert Pujols will catch fire after getting a full body wax and he will be the main reason why the Angels win the AL West over Josh Hamilton and the Texas Rangers.
The Cleveland Indians will trade for Carlos Quentin. Two weeks later Carlos and Travis Hafner will get into a clubhouse brawl over who is the bigger meathead. Trying to break up the fight, Chris Perez will be injured for the rest of the season and the Indians will fall out of contention.
The Chicago Cubs will finish ahead of the Houston Astros for the worst record in baseball. Matt Garza will be traded to the Orioles, Ryan Dempster will be traded to the LA Dodgers, and Alfonso Soriano will still be a Cub for the rest of his shitty contract. Then, next year in the amateur draft the Cubs will take Cade McNown with the 2nd pick on accident, because a Theo Epstein imposter will phone in the call as a practical joke. But, it will be too late and Chicago will be stuck with the crappy Bruin again.