by Tommy Gimler

A friend of mine is in Las Vegas, and he took some time away from tits yesterday to go to the Bellagio Sports Book. And there it was: my first look into the 2012 NFL betting season.

I made only one over/under wins total bet last year, and that was the Miami Dolphins UNDER 7.5 wins. It was a good bet, thanks to an 0-7 start, and I was slapping asses and smoking stogies by Thanksgiving.

If you haven’t done it before, bet on a team’s futility this year. It’s rather enjoyable rooting for teams to blow games every week when you have $200 on it (last year’s Dolphins loss to Jesus Christ and the Broncos comes to mind) instead of sweating out victories like every other degenerate.

Vegas has this year’s worst teams winning 5.5 games: Cleveland, Jacksonville, and Indianapolis. Lucky for us, they forgot the worst team in the NFL: Minnesota.

Minnesota Vikings – Under 6 wins

This is a bigger lock than Ron Artest spending time behind bars after his NBA career. Christian Ponder blows. The rookie QB averaged an NFC-worst 168 yards per game and had a passer rating lower than Rex Grossman, and by our calculations, that makes him the worst player in the NFL.

What do you do when your team finishes the 2011 season with a 3-13 record? You guessed it. Nothing. That was GM Rick Spielman’s approach this offseason. Instead of signing Vincent Jackson, Spielman and the Vikings went with the former Bengal wideout Jerome Simpson. That move is already paying off beautifully, as Simpson will miss the first three games of the season for a felony drug conviction.

Adrian Peterson is coming back from a horrific season-ending knee injury, Percy Harvin will have another migraine before you finish this post, and Leslie Frazier is one of the worst coaches in the league. I’ll let Rush Limbaugh tell you the one reason he is a head coach in this league. When the game is on the line, Frazier looks more confused than an Amish kid at the Bunny Ranch.

Then there is the Vikings’ schedule. They won zero games in their division last year, and unless former Bears wideout Sam Hurd’s little black drug book has Urlacher, Cutler, Forte, Hester, and Lovie Smith in it, they’re not going to win any this year either.

Possible wins: Jacksonville, @ Indianapolis, Tampa Bay, @ St. Louis, Arizona

No fucking chance: 2 vs. Green Bay, 2 vs. Detroit, 2 vs. Chicago, San Francisco, @ Houston, @ Seattle, @ Washington, Tennessee

I’m giving them 5 wins (maybe), and I think I’m being quite generous with that. You have to think that at least two more Vikings will get arrested and face some kind of discipline before the start of training camp, and three more once the season starts. After all, if you scramble the letters in the word “Minnesota,” you get the Vikings rally cry: “On Inmates!”

Here are the rest of the over/under totals, you degenerates:

Green Bay Packers: 12

New England Patriots: 12

Houston Texans: 10

Philadelphia Eagles: 10

New Orleans Saints: 10

Pittsburgh Steelers: 10

Baltimore Ravens: 10

San Francisco 49ers: 10

Denver Broncos: 9.5

New York Giants: 9.5

Detroit Lions: 9.5

San Diego Chargers: 9

Atlanta Falcons: 9

Chicago Bears: 8.5

Dallas Cowboys: 8.5

New York Jets: 8.5

Kansas City Chiefs: 8

Cincinnati Bengals: 7.5

Carolina Panthers: 7.5

Miami Dolphins: 7.5

Tennessee Titans: 7

Buffalo Bills: 7

Seattle Seahawks: 7

Oakland Raiders: 7

Arizona Cardinals: 7

Washington Redskins: 6.5

St. Louis Rams: 6

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 6

Minnesota Vikings: 6

Cleveland Browns: 5.5

Indianapolis Colts: 5.5

Jacksonville Jaguars: 5.5