by Tommy Gimler
The Yankees are hotter than Reese Witherspoon’s snatch, Matt Cain is perfect, and I’m about to hit the best titty bar in the Midwest.
Stud Team of the Week – New York Yankees (6-0)
The Yankees have only lost two games in June, and if they were in the National League, they would be 64-1. In their 15 June games, New York has given up just over two runs per game. It’s easier than getting in my cousin’s shorts (and she is a dirty pirate hooker) to win those games when you’re averaging more than 1.5 home runs per contest.
As usual, it’s good to be a Yankee. Six Yankees hitters already have double-digit home run totals, led by Curtis Granderson’s 21. Derek Jeter might have herpes, but he’s still hitting .314. And Ivan Nova would have two wins this year if he was on the Royals. But he’s not, and he has nine victories even though he’s giving up almost 4.5 runs every nine innings.
Runner(s) Up: Cincinnati Reds (6-0), Texas Rangers (5-1)
DUD Team of the Week – Milwaukee Brewers (2-4)
Sorry, kids. I’m about to head to Crusin’ Chubby’s in the Wisconsin Dells, so this is about to get extremely abbreviated. The Brewers had a chance to beat up on the bottom feeders of the AL Central this week, and instead, they were swept in Kansas City and gave one away at Minnesota. John Axford can eat my fucking ass after his performance this week.
Runner(s) Up: Chicago Cubs and/or the entire NL East
Stud Player of the Week – P Matt Cain, San Francisco Giants
I don’t care if you find the cure for AIDS, I don’t have the disease. If you throw a perfect game, you’re going to win my vote for man of the week.
Runner(s) Up: Trevor Plouffe, Ryan Braun
DUD Player of the Week – OF Mike Stanton, Miami Marlins
Don’t give me this Giancarlo shit, his name is Mike, and he had a shitty week. 25 at-bats, 2 hits, 10 K’s. Get the point? Good, because I need to go see some titties.
Runner(s) Up: Cody Ransom, Rickie Weeks, John Axford
Dumbest Logan Morrison Tweet of the Week
Milwaukee Brewers OVER 81.5 wins – DAMN
LA Angels of Anaheim OVER 89.5 wins – Close
Kansas City Royals UNDER 78.5 wins – You fucking know it!!!
Houston Astros UNDER 62.5 wins – You fucking know it!!!
On pace for: 2-1-1
The Brewers can eat my fucking ass. Time for some tits. They seem the only thing getting me through the baseball season this year…