by Tommy Gimler
The Pittsburgh Pirates are in first place, watching the Royals lose is almost as good as a handy, and as always, Logan Morrison is an idiot.
Stud Team of the Week – Pittsburgh Pirates (5-1)
After taking two of three from the Reds and all three against the bag of dog shit and used tampons known as the Kansas City Royals, the Pittsburgh Pirates find themselves in first place in the NL Central for the first time since July 19th of last year.
Andrew McCutchen is hitting left-handed pitching harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna, to the tune of .463 this year. A.J. Burnett won his fifth straight start on Sunday, and the rest of the pitching staff has the third best ERA in the National League (3.25).
The Pirates haven’t had a winning season since 1992. The second longest streak belongs to the Baltimore Orioles (14 years), and both teams have winning records as they meet each other tomorrow for the start of a three-game series in Baltimore.
Runner(s) Up: Arizona Diamondbacks (5-1), New York Yankees (5-1), Washington Nationals (5-1)
DUD Team of the Week – Miami Marlins (0-6)
The Miami Marlins began the week with a record of 31-23 and tied atop the NL East. Today, they are in fourth place and five games back. De Mierda.
Even more disheartening is the fact that all six games were at home, and only one of those games had a crowd of over 31,000 people. Keep in mind they were playing two of the best teams in MLB, and they’re playing in a brand new ballpark.
One reason might be because of the Miami Heat and the NBA playoffs. Another reason is because people in Florida don’t go to baseball games. They go to casinos and any place that has an air conditioner and an area for them to refill their oxygen tanks.
Runner(s) Up: Colorado Rockies (1-5), New York Mets (1-5), Kansas City Royals (1-5)
Stud Player of the Week – Torii Hunter, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
A huge week for the Jerry Stackhouse and Jermaine Drane look-a-like, as the Angels’ outfielder was 11 for 22 with 10 runs, 10 RBI, 4 home runs, and an OPS of 1.605. All of this while I’m sure his son’s pending sexual assault case is taking up most of his brain capacity. And on that note, it’s great to finally see an athlete who not only knows his kid’s name, but cares enough to be a part of that kid’s life even during the rough times.
Runner(s) Up: Alfonso Soriano, Mark Trumbo, Robinson Cano
DUD Player of the Week – OF Andre Ethier, Los Angeles Dodgers
Other than Rihanna, nobody misses Matt Kemp more than Andre Ethier. The Dodgers’ outfielder was a disgusting 2 for 26 from the plate with 8 strikeouts. He did add a grand slam in yesterday’s game, but he was a no-show for the rest of the week. Not good when he’s the anchor of your fantasy outfield, and you’re playing the first place dork.
I was going to go with Cody Ransom of the Brewers again this week, but I wanted people to read this section this time around.
Runner(s) Up: Cody Ransom, Dexter Fowler, Carlos Pena
Dumbest Logan Morrison Tweet of the Week
How The DUD’s Over/Under Bets Look:
Milwaukee Brewers OVER 81.5 wins – DAMN
LA Angels of Anaheim OVER 89.5 wins – DAMN
Kansas City Royals UNDER 78.5 wins – You fucking know it!!!
Houston Astros UNDER 62.5 wins – DAMN!
On pace for: 1-3
1 and 3 for now, but the Halos and Astros are starting to look really nice. The Brewers bet is going to come down to the final week, but hey, at least I already know I don’t have to save any money for postseason travel plans this year…