by Tommy Gimler
Another member or former member of the Cincinnati Bengals was thrown in the clink again this week. Don’t have time to remember every Bengal that has had a run-in with the law since 2011? We do…
Role Models
June 2012 – Former Bengals linebacker Nate Webster gets 12 years for having sex with an underaged girl. Yup, even though some of your tackles were sick, dog, you still can’t do that.
March 2012 – Even the Bengals cheerleaders have a rap sheet. Sarah Jones was arrested for having a sexual relationship with a minor. So, let me get this straight. You could plow Andy Dalton, A.J. Green, or Jerome Simpson, but instead you fall for some kid’s Longfellow in your Freshman English class?
February 2012 – Linebacker Rey Maualuga is arrested after punching a bar employee in the face. He wanted two olives in that martini, you fucking idiot.
January 2012 – Speaking of Jerome Simpson, apparently the the Bengals wideout’s offseason hobbies include working out and shipping. And by working out, I mean staying in shape for football. And by shipping, I mean trafficking marijuana.
July 2011 – Cedric Benson is arrested again in Travis County for assaulting a family member. No word if it was just a game of parcheesi that got out of hand, but for God’s sake, Cedric, stay the fuck out of Austin.
July 2011 – Marvin White is arrested after dropping f-bombs at his kid’s day care. He wasn’t just going after the day care’s management, but apparently the kid’s grandmother was tripping, too. Right after Father’s Day, nonetheless.
July 2011 - Pacman Jones is being an asshole at a Cincinnati bar. The cops are called, and he refuses to leave. They go to arrest him, and he resists. He tells the public, “I keep on going through the same thing, and it don’t make no sense. And at the end of the day … I’m the bad guy.” Exactly…
Dog Food
You’ll have a better chance of seeing I’ll Have Another at the bottom of your dog’s food dish than you will on the race track again. The race horse was retired one day before his bid at the Triple Crown because of a tendon issue. Pussy…
No-Hitter Orgy
And finally, before i call it a night here from Vail, CO, the Seattle Mariners are currently no-hitting the Los Angeles Dodgers through seven innings. But Mariners starter Kevin Millwood was pulled after six innings, and there have been two Mariners pitchers since then. So, even if the Dodgers finish the night with zero hits, these four words should pretty much sum up the “achievement:”
Who
Gives
A
Shit…
