by Tommy Gimler

When I was seventeen, I skipped a funeral so I could sit at home and masturbate. Beau Hossler, a junior in high school, briefly held sole possession of and is now tied for the lead at the U.S. Open.

There are usually signs around you everyday that expose your life as mundane and/or meaningless. Maybe it’s the fact that your six-year-old son can read better than you can. Maybe it’s the fact that the slow kid at Albertson’s just got promoted to cashier, the same position you’ve held for the last 12 years. Or maybe it’s the fact that while you’re watching a 17-year-old kid play better golf than Tiger Woods and David Toms, you suddenly realize, “Shit. I’m his caddie.”

And now, maybe I jinxed the kid. Hossler just double-bogeyed his 14th hole (5th hole at The Olympic Club) to move to +1, still good enough for third place and pretty damn remarkable considering the fact he is only 17 years old. Just imagine what this kid can tell his friends when they ask him what he did last weekend:

Hossler’s friend: “What did you do last Friday?”

Hossler: ”Not much. It was a nice little Friday. I played eighteen holes with Jimmy and Tiger and the boys and was leading the U.S. Open halfway through the second round.”

Now here’s what it sounds like when your friend asks you the same question:

Your friend: “What did you do last Friday?”

You: “Not much. I went down to Mikey’s Place and really took advantage of their ‘one dollar cans of Keystone Light’ special. I pretty much owned the jukebox and dartboard all night. Then I took home that girl Laurie from Muskego. She kind of had a gunt, but once I got around it, she was pretty nice. But when I woke up to take a piss, I noticed she had two kids, so I split.”

What is happening through the first 36 holes for Beau Hossler is really something special. It blows my mind that a 17-year-old amateur is sitting at +1 while Phil Mickelson and Bubba Watson are projected to miss the cut at +7 and +10 respectively.

But, just so you don’t hang your head all weekend long wondering when and where your life took the turn to Trivial Town, here’s a story that will make you say, “You know what? My life isn’t so bad after all.” Seriously, at least you’re not Kevin Ellison. The former USC Trojans safety told authorities that he intentionally set his bed on fire with a cigar filled with marijuana because God told him to do it.

Now go back down to Mikey’s Place and buy Laurie’s friend Pam a drink. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have any kids, and she just got her lazy eye fixed…