by Tommy Gimler
Apparently Cincinnati Reds’ closer Aroldis Chapman has a lot more to learn about Major League Baseball than we thought.
Watch what this fucking clown does after finally locking down a save, his first in three tries since June 16th:
A) It’s the 73rd game of the year. That means there are 89 more to go, dipshit. This isn’t the Cuban Cigar League. They play 162 games up here, son. You haven’t won anything yet. And what can happen when you celebrate a meaningless game?
B) You just beat the Brewers. That’s like me celebrating when I destroy a six-year-old kid at Connect Four. The Brewers are so pathetic that they were no-hit by Bronson Arroyo for seven innings tonight. This is the same Bronson Arroyo who entered the game with a 4.19 ERA, gave up six home runs over his last three starts, and gave up an MLB-high 46 home runs last year. How bad is Bronson Arroyo? The next closest chump, Colby Lewis, only yielded 35 a season ago.
C) If you’re going to celebrate a victory, take a page out of Ozzie Smith’s book. Don’t do something that a kid in a wheelchair will do when I push him out of it. Seriously, if you ask my retarded cousin Mitchell if he wants to go to Toys “R” Us, he does the same thing you just did.
Reds’ manager Dusty Baker said he didn’t see Chapman’s sad attempt at the Wide World of Sports until watching a video replay after the game. He wasn’t happy about it, saying, “I know he was happy, but we don’t play that way.”
Brewers fans tonight are thinking, “Will this be the moment that unites this team and finally fires up the Brewers’ bats?”
No.
True, that was a lame move, but why did the broadcaster go so apeshit about it? Just say, “And there’s Chapman being a total dickhead,” and move on. He lost his mind when he saw those somersaults. Was that Thom Brenneman?
That is correct, the great Thom Brenneman. He should know better than the average guy that what Chapman did was bush league. But then again, he’s with the Reds organization, and they haven’t been relevant since I was 12.