by Tommy Gimler

Those silly Americans who thought they saw a UFO instead of a military drone last week on I-270 near our nation’s capital have been let off the hook by a Chinese village who mistook a pocket pussy for a rare, double-headed mushroom.

When workers in the rural town of Liucunbu came across the sex toy while drilling a new well shaft, they thought they had encountered a mystical mushroom with the ability to give immortality, and they called a news station in the nearby city of Xi’an. That station sent reporter Yunfeng Le to the town, and she gave the following report as part of her Xi’an Up Close segment:

Thanks, Yunfeng, for that “up close” report on a town of virgins and their new toy.

In case you don’t speak Chinese or didn’t watch the video, here are just some of the highlights from the greatest story of all-time:

*Apparently, much like a real vagina, it’s important to get it wet.

*Ms. Le opens the piece by saying how remarkable the discovery is, telling us “not even an 80-year-old local man” had ever seen it.

*One virgin who found the replica pooter said, “It has an eye and a nose, but we don’t know what it is.”

*From the looks of it, this pocket poon has two ends. One is for American and/or African dicks while the other end is for those tiny Asian peckers.

*One local driller is out about $65 after losing his fake flesh cavern.

*Remind me never to shake the hand of anybody from the town of Liucunbu.

*I’m pretty sure that even though it’s not the rare mystical mushroom the town thought it was, it still has the ability to make you feel immortal.

*With China having the world’s largest population, I’m surprised that the locals’ first instinct wasn’t to fuck it…