by Tommy Gimler
Move over, Minnesota and Cincinnati. There’s a new crime king in the NFL, and they reside in the city whose gross domestic product seems to depend on it: Detroit.
Detroit Lions cornerback Aaron Berry became the fourth member of the team to be arrested this offseason (two of them twice) when he allegedly made quite the exit from a hotel parking lot last weekend. Berry started by hitting two vehicles and then, because mother fucker I’m an NFL cornerback and can’t nobody catch me, fled the scene. Upon his arrest, Berry was reportedly “uncooperative.”
Two weeks ago, the NFL suspended running back Mikel Leshoure for two games after he was caught running with the cheeba not once but twice in less than one month’s time. I have a buddy who got a DUI a few years ago and hasn’t had a drop since. While I think that’s a bit extreme, he realized that another one might put his five-figure career in jeopardy. Leshoure was due to make $465,000 this season but now will lose $77,500 of it because he couldn’t keep his paws off of the devil’s lettuce, making it some of the most expensive weed of all-time. And considering the shit he was smoking came from Western Michigan, it probably wasn’t worth it.
Also digging the green goddess? DT Nick Fairley was arrested in Alabama in April for possession of some reefer and then trumped that with a DUI in May. After passing a state trooper at 100 MPH, Fairley initially refused to pull his Escalade to the side of the interstate. He also received citations for reckless driving, open container, no proof of insurance, and eluding police because again, mother fucker I’m an NFL defensive tackle who ran a 4.84 40-yard dash at the combine and can’t nobody catch me.
And, if you’re still reading this, arrest number six came from offensive lineman Johnny Culbreath’s possession of doobies while staying at a Country Inn & Suites in South Carolina. Security cameras showed Culbreath putting something in a hallway drawer, and when the po-po asked him what he put in there, Culbreath answered, “Two blunts.” But at least he cooperated. He was just given a fine of $412, and the case was closed. The most embarrassing part of the story is that even though Culbreath signed a four-year, $2.2 million deal last season, he still settled for the Country Inn & Suites instead of the Westin.
So, I’ve said it at least three hundred times, and I’ll say it again. If you are an athlete making $465,000 or more, hire someone from your posse to be your driver. And if you’re going to smoke some Indiana hay, for fuck’s sake, do it in the privacy of your own residence. And if you’re a Lions fan, send this post to Titus Young, because you know it’s just a matter of time before he does something stupid…