by Tommy Gimler
Awesome! I’m watching because this could be the series that gets me back into the NBA. Two young, exciting teams that like to run. My fiance will watch because there are two dozen ripped black men and their cute butts running up and down the floor.
Why I’ll Watch: Durant vs. Lebron
Kevin Durant and Lebron James are the two best players in the NBA with two distinctly different personas. Lebron James is a media whore who had a television special just to tell the world where he was going to play last season. The only time you see Durant talk to the media is during the post game press conference. James drives a Ferrari F430 Spider. Durant drives a GMC van, perfect for your typical Thursday night orgy.
Why My Fiance Will Watch: Dwayne Wade
She went to Marquette and swears that she and D-Wade had a moment at the Blockbuster Video right across from Murphy’s Irish Pub. She was checking out Hope Floats when the Golden Eagles star player walked through the door with his ugly ex-wife. That’s all she remembers about his ex-wife. She thinks that with all of their money from Wade’s NBA success, she had a lot work done. But before that, she was fucking brutal. Anyway, she and D-Wade made eye contact for a second, and now she needs to change her panties every time he graces our luxury 32-inch HD television set.
Why I’ll Watch: Even though he looks like a terrorist, I really like James Harden as a player.
In a completely heterosexual way, the NBA’s Sixth Man of the Year just does it for me. Harden shoots almost 50% from the floor, third best in the league for a guard, quietly averaging almost 17 points. The only time he makes national news is when some dipshit from the Lakers deliberately elbows him in his dome.
Why My Fiance Will Watch: She knows that if she watches this with me, I have to watch The Bachelorette with her next Monday.
Puke. This is the worst television since Franklin & Bash was on the air. Oh wait. Franklin & Bash is still on the air? Anyhow, if you’re thinking I’m out enjoying the “2 beers & a burger” special at Prince O’Whales, think again. I’ll be at home with my fiance and her purse dog contemplating slipping something in her drink just so we can go to bed instead of watching this shit.
Why I’ll Watch: How awesome would it be to watch the former Seattle Supersonics win a title only four years after moving to Oklahoma City?
Hey, Seattle fans. I don’t want to hear it. If you really cared about the Sonics when they were in Seattle, then why didn’t you go to games? The Thunder averaged over 18,000 people per game this season. The last time Seattle cared that much about their team was during the 1981-82 season. Drink your overpriced coffee and fuck up rush hour traffic on the George Washington Memorial Bridge while you contemplate ending your miserable life, but don’t bitch to me about how the Sonics shouldn’t have left Seattle.
Why My Fiance Will Watch: She hopes that actor from C.H.I.P.S wins his first NBA title.
Seriously, my fiance thinks that Erik Estrada is coaching the Miami Heat. Hey, if former actors can win the presidency, why not an NBA Title?