The NHL According to Corby

by Corby LeGault

Will the Kings hoist the Lord’s Cup? Can Ol’ Man Ovie carry the team (working part-time)? He hit me first ref, so he should have to get spanked too, right?  That and other useless questions answered…

 

For once the left coast is the quick and efficient, as if they were owned by Hollywood producers and are on a time budget.  While the east coast bloodfest, battle out their meetings, to remind people, that this is supposed to be a fist fight, to go the full 7 rounds.

 

WEST
Watch as the Hollywood elite, and fairweather L.A. fans, gang fight their way onto the bandwagon.  Don’t loop me in with that bunch, as it was this guy, who put money down WAY back in October at 14:1 odds, and gets to shout “TOLD YA SO!” when they prance Lord Stanley’s old Bedpan down Hollywood Blvd.  The team that once bagged Gretzky to bring the holy grail to Tinsletown, has to first get by the team that tagged Greztky to coach the Coyotes to try to bag the biggest ice trophy and drag that around the Arizona desert.

 

P.S. The Great One had about as much success delivering the cup as he did keeping his bratty, silicone-chested daughter off Twitter:

 

My prediction: Kings are a lock (barring injuries to the future Conn Smythe lock Johnny Quick).

 

EAST
Over on the right side of the country (sorry Canada, you can only watch), the area that should have teams involved, does has teams involved, with Jersey, Philly, N.Y. and Washington.  Somehow The Caps are using the greatest player (Alex Ovechkin) the game has seen in the last decade like he’s a Cocker Spaniel in the Ididarod.  Maybe with the thinking that the further they get, the fresher the legs are on the 26-year-old.  Hey, it just might be genius! The constant screamer and conspiracy theorist (everything the refs do and the whole world is picking on us) Coach Tortorella (Torts) has to figure out a way to bring the cup to the only ‘Original 6′ team still in it.  If they don’t, he may just go insane screaming in a room alone for the rest of his life about how “everyone else always gets the breaks, and he ‘never gets nathin.’” This series goes to the more experienced goalie. “That’s New York Fucking City, you piece of garbage. By the way how’s your motha?”

 

DIRTY EAST
By the way, this was written yesterday. Gimler has no concept of “now.” Now this is the easy one, Philly is one tuff mutha!!! NO frickin doubt. In this city, it’s citizens, fans, and teams. They throw snowballs at Santa and disown their own children if they throw a ball weird cuz it’s “faggy.” They genuinely hate everyone, daily, to (one could only guess) help toughen their hearts.  The problem is they’re too tough, and they will be (to quote Moe Szyslac), “choking on my own rage, here.” Their brutal, physical dominance got them past the first pussy teams, but after a while, they gotta settle down and play hockey. Enter the Devils!  Leave it to the Devil(s) to lure a team into penalties while they’re busy raging, head butting, and chest bumping each other with pride (pride is a sin).  The slimy Jersey(ites) snuck in and scored more goals, and they will win the series.

 

I leave you with this. The idea of ice cheerleaders is moronic, but tweak it to having them clean the excess snow that a giant expensive machine already does. Now that borders on sexist or genius. Pretty sure L.A. has the best:
Nobody predicted this weird playoff picture.  But when its all said and done, it will be like when you turn around after your ‘thinkin on the throne time’ and you look back at the shit that took place. You’ll feel proud, lighter, tired, and say, “Damn, that was good,” and most of all,  “It looks like it felt.”
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3 Responses to The NHL According to Corby

  1. tgim says:

    Sorry, bud! I was too busy masturbating to Josh Hamilton’s record-breaking day to get this up on time. Great call on the Devils, though. Up 3 to 1 and able to finish off the Flyers, great prediction. Hahahahaha.

    • Corby LeGault says:

      i just hope NY does there job, or the rest of the finals will get no love from the networks/media. P.S. get you whip Marcum into shape he’s killing my fantasy team

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