by Tommy Gimler
Another wild week of baseball featured the first beating in the Dodger Stadium parking lot of 2012, more strikeouts from Dick Weeks, and Max Scherzer striking out 15 dirty pirate hookers.
Stud Team of the Week – Los Angeles Dodgers
Much like Two and a Half Men, the Dodgers continue to surprisingly succeed even with their biggest talent missing from action. Their 5-2 week culminated with a sweep of the reigning World Champion Cardinals over the weekend. Even their fans are better this year, with the first parking lot beating not coming until May 20th.
The Dodgers are getting shocking numbers from almost everybody on the team. Andre Ethier leads the NL with 37 RBI, Chris Capuano is 5-1, Ted Lilly has a 1.79 ERA, and catcher A.J. Ellis is getting on base almost 45% of the time. How ridiculous is that stat? That’s more often than guys like Josh Hamilton, Ryan Braun, and teammate Matt Kemp. It’s also two-and-a-half times as often as Pirates’ turd shortstop Clint Barmes reaches base…
Runner(s) Up: Boston Red Sox (5-2), Baltimore Orioles (5-2)
DUD Team of the Week – Chicago Cubs
It’s not like anybody expected anything from the Chicago Cubs this year, but damn, this is embarrassing. Their miserable week included sweeps by both the Phillies and White Sox and the retirement of Kerry Wood, one of the most popular lovable losers in recent memory.
Here is a special request from The DUD: Will a Cubs fan please write a post on why Kerry Wood is so beloved in Chicago? I get the whole 20-strikeout game. That was amazing. But what did he do outside of that? Juan Nieves threw the only no-hitter in Brewers history, and I don’t even know if he is still alive. But if he would have won 20 games a half dozen times or become a fixture in the community, I’m sure Brewers fans would be sporting Nieves jerseys just as much as Cubs fans wear their Wood replicas.
Runner(s) Up: Milwaukee Brewers (2-5), New York Yankees (2-5)
Stud Player of the Week – OF Dayan Viciedo, Chicago White Sox
Yeah, who? If you had a rifle placed against my skull and you told me to guess what Dayan Viciedo does for a living, I would have to guess “wash dishes at Cork & Kerry.” But in real life, the White Sox left fielder had a monster week, hitting .444 with 4 home runs and 10 RBI. He got a hit in all seven games and saw his batting average climb 52 points to .248. And with an average like that, he’ll probably never be the stud of the week again…
Runner(s) Up: Andrew McCutchen, Paul Konerko
DUD Player of the Week – 2B Rickie Weeks, Milwaukee Brewers
For the first time in the short history of this segment, we have a back-to-back DUD of the week. Weeks didn’t let up on his horrific season, striking out 12 more times, whiffing four times in two of the five games he started. And to prove those two games weren’t flukes, he threw in a 3K performance in there for good measure.
I’m sure Brewers fans find it ironic that during the one year that he actually stays healthy, it’s the one year where they actually want him to get hurt. Assuming that Weeks can amass 500 at-bats, he’ll have to get 103 hits over his next 357 at-bats (.289) just to hit .250 for the year. At this point, the Brewers are better off sending Stephen Hawking up to the plate. At least he’ll be smart enough and/or unable to swing at pitches out of the strike zone…
Runner (s) Up: Zack Cozart, Carlos Pena, Howie Kendrick
Dumbest Logan Morrison Tweet of the Week
This is why i ALWAYS have a California roll in my glove box… RT@itsCARO_ Sex and some delivery sushi would be perfect right now.
The DUD’s response:
@LoMoMarlins @itscaro_ Logan, what do you have in your glove box for sushi then?
Pirate Hookers
Detroit Tigers pitcher Max Scherzer struck out 15 Pittsburgh Pirates in yesterday’s 4-3 victory at Comerica Park. Scherzer fell one strikeout shy of tying the team record of 16 (Mickey Lolich in ’69). The most amazing part of the feat is that Scherzer did it against a team that doesn’t have Adam Dunn or Rickie Weeks on its roster. The Pirates were so bad offensively that the only hitter without a strikeout, Jose Tabata, was still 0 for 4.
Shitty But Awesome
Trevor Plouffe’s week was so up-and-down that it made Axl Rose look stable. The Minnesota Twins utility man began the week with a dud, going 0 for 3 in a 5-4 loss to Cleveland. He then homered in his next two ball games. Then, just when you thought he was finally getting his shit together, he went 0 for 5 with two K’s in a game against the Brewers while the rest of the team lit up the Milwaukee pitching staff for 16 hits. Finally, after being benched for Saturday’s game versus the Brewers, Plouffe hit a pinch-hit home run in the 11th inning to win the game.
How The DUD’s Over/Under Bets Look:
Milwaukee Brewers OVER 81.5 wins – DAMN
LA Angels of Anaheim OVER 89.5 wins – DAMN
Kansas City Royals UNDER 78.5 wins – You fucking know it!!!
Houston Astros UNDER 62.5 wins – DAMN!
On pace for: 1-3
Sooner or later, the Angels are going to start winning, like in 2013…
