Studs and DUDs of the Week


by Tommy Gimler

Another “better check your shorts” week in the greatest game on the planet featured a no-hitter, Albert Pujols’s first home run of the year, 17 innings in Boston, and a phenom’s busy week in both MLB and a pickup game of softball.

Stud Team of the Week – Baltimore Orioles

The best record in baseball after five weeks belongs to…wait for it…the Baltimore Orioles? After losing the first game of the week, the Orioles “Chuck Sheened” five in a row against the Yanks and Sox in their backyards. Winners of 11 of their last 13, the Orioles are doing it with the long ball. Their 41 home runs are second only to the Yankees’ 44, but the real story is their pitching.

Baltimore’s pitching is so good that even their position players can do it. After a turd day at the plate (0 for 8, 5 K’s, 1 GIDP), Chris Davis earned the “W” in yesterday’s 17-inning affair at Fenway. That gives him more wins than Ryan Dempster, Carlos Zambrano, Edinson Volquez, and Ervin Santana combined. Davis and the rest of the Orioles staff rank 2nd in ERA and saves, 5th in WHIP, 6th in BAA, and tied for 9th in fewest balks.

Seven home games against Texas and Tampa Bay this week will determine whether the Orioles are real or just like 87% of Janet Jackson’s body. Then again, didn’t we say that last week?

Runner Up: Miami Marlins (6-1)

DUD Team of the Week – Boston Red Sox

We’re only five weeks into the season, and the Boston Red Sox have two five-game losing streaks. Even crazier, both of them are at Fenway Park. Injuries and pitching have decimated this team. Youklis, Ellsbury, and Crawford are kind of good players, and you can’t expect to win when you replace them with Nick Punto, Marlon Byrd, Ryan Sweeney.

Wins are also tough to come by when Josh Beckett leads your team with a 4.45 ERA. Beckett and the rest of the staff rank 26th in BAA, 27th in WHIP, and 29th in ERA. The good news for the Sox is that they hit the road start a three-game set tonight with a team who’s even worse in their own ballpark: Kansas City.

Runner(s) Up: Minnesota Twins (1-5), Milwaukee Brewers (2-4)

Stud Player of the Week – LF Ryan Braun, Milwaukee Brewers

Ryan Braun was basically the exact opposite of a Brewers hitter this week: he produced. Braun became the first player ever to hit three home runs at Petco Park, and he added a triple in that game to finish with 15 total bases. He hit .350 for the week with four home runs, seven RBI, and a 1.431 OPS.

How pathetic is Milwaukee at the plate? Braun scored just four times last week, meaning the only times he scored was when he drove himself in with a home run…

Runner(s) Up: Carlos Gonzalez, Cameron Maybin, Giancarlo Stanton

DUD Player of the Week – 3B Chone Figgins, Seattle Mariners

Chone Figgins’s week at the plate was the equivalent to Ashton Kutcher’s acting: just awful. In 15 trips to the plate, Figgins literally did absolutely nothing. 0 hits, 0 runs, and 0 walks. Hell, this mother fucker barely made contact, mixing in 6 K’s. There’s really nothing else to say. It’s just a shitty week for a shitty player.

Runner(s) Up: Michael Saunders, Adam Lind, Chris Parmelee, any hitter on the Brewers not named Braun

Stud Pitcher of the Week – Jered Weaver, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

I don’t care if you run into a burning nursing home and save eight people who are probably going to die the following week anyway, if you throw a no-hitter, you’re The DUD’s Stud Pitcher of the Week. Dream Weaver struck out nine Minnesota Twins on Wednesday night in front of 27,288 at The Big A. Weaver’s only mistake came when he walked Josh Willingham with two outs in the seventh inning, and the closest the Twins came to a hit was Alexi Casilla’s deep fly out to Torii Hunter in right field to end the gem.

Runner(s) Up: Brett Myers, Scott Atchison, Joe Blanton

DUD Pitcher of the Week – Luke Hochevar, Kansas City Royals

Believe it or not, Luke Hochevar is a former #1 overall draft pick. You just don’t know it because he is such a dog shit pitcher. Last week can be filed under the “typical” category for Hochevar. He started two games and obviously didn’t finish them. In fact, he only lasted 6 1/3 innings combined, allowing 16 runs on 19 hits and 4 walks. And even more frustrating for Royals fans? Manager Ned Yost doesn’t seemed concerned about Hochevar’s struggles, even mixing in a “his stuff is good” in a postgame interview.

Runner Up: A.J. Burnett

Dumbest Logan Morrison Tweet of the Week

Wow! Not only is Vilma done for the year, but he had to find out through SC? #brutal

The DUD’s Reply (went unanswered):

Who cares about an ethical way of finding out? I don’t think Vilma should be upset about anything unethical right now. #bounty

It’s About Fucking Time

So far Angels owner Arte Moreno has paid $240 million for each home run Albert Pujols has hit: one. But hey, it could be a lot worse. He could own the Cubs.

Pujols finally connected off of Blue Jays pitcher Drew Hutchison in his 111th at-bat for his new team. He returned to an empty Angels dugout. Turns out his teammates were just playing, dog. They quickly returned to help the 43-year-old first baseman celebrate.

Swing and a Miss

Bryce Harper’s first full week with the big boys was pretty eventful, filled with key hits, good outfield play, stealing home, and swinging and missing in a softball game on his day off.

How awesome is that? Good to see that at the age of 19 Harper gets that it’s better to have YouTube videos of that rather than one of him puking in a sewer outside of The Black Squirrel in Adams Morgan. Here’s the link:

Fuck Cole Hamels

Phillies starting pitcher Cole Hamels admitted to intentionally hitting Bryce Harper with a pitch in last night’s game against the Nationals. Hamels said it was an old-school way of welcoming Harper to the big leagues, which is funny because Hamels is about as old school as Twitter.

Nationals GM Mike Rizzo wasn’t laughing about it, saying, “I’ve never seen a more classless, gutless chicken shit act in my 30 years in baseball. With all the bounty (stuff) going on in professional football, the commissioner better act with a purpose on this thing.”

Rizzo got his wish. Major League Baseball suspended Hamels today for five games.

How The DUD’s Over/Under Bets Look:

Milwaukee Brewers OVER 81.5 wins – DAMN

LA Angels of Anaheim OVER 89.5 wins – DAMN

Kansas City Royals UNDER 78.5 wins – You fucking know it!!!

Houston Astros UNDER 62.5 wins – DAMN!

On pace for: 1-3

Looks like I’ll be keeping my day job. Ugh. Would you like soup with that, sir…

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