It’s The Goddamn MuthaFuckin Playoffs, Man

by Corby LeGault

Calling real men!  Pretend my words are like breasts and pay attention.

Here is some stone and lead truth for you to suck on as you  wash it down with your morning whiskey latte:  Hockey is a tough sport. We all know that, but the NHL Playoffs are the toughest in any sport. So bloody and so fast, they should have it as pay-per-view events nightly.  Some call it ballet on ice.  I don’t know as I have never watched a fucking ballet because they don’t serve beer, and there is rarely fighting.
 
Even the higher powers don’t allow the pussy mascots into the playoffs (i.e. Ducks, Leafs, Blue Jackets or an Islander blocked by their own laziness and bleeding vaginas). Then the first round is all about slagging and tossing the other wannabe teams and players that tap out at the first squeal of “Ouch, he’s just hitting me way too hard.” And so we say “fuck off” to the Peguins, Sharks, Bruins, Senators, and Red Wings.  Pretty much all of the shitty animals and articles of clothing mascots are gone.  What we have left are some Kings, Rangers, Predators, and Devils as we’ll probably see the Blues, Flyers, and Capitals headed for the bait shops and the moonshine cottages soon.
 
What other pro sport has guys getting their faces sewn up or playing on broken feet or having teeth come out DURING THE GAME? And they don’t miss more than 5 mins of playing time? WHERE???? Only in the NHL Playoffs, fuckers! Yeah, yeah, there is always that story of extreme toughness and heart in every sport. There’s Ronnie Lott of the NFL chopping off his finger that was “bugging” him mid-game. Or Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate like he just found out the ancient Chinese secret you get after sleeping with a dirty L.A. Koreatown hooker, and whacking a walk-off homer. Or Kobe Bryant playing out of his mind while trying to get a rape trial off the brain. Tough yes, but not compared to any single game of the NHL Playoffs.
 
Nothing can compare, but let’s try, for fack and ol’ Eddie Shack sakes.
 
Curt Shilling was brave and strong and able to concentrate in the World Series with a bloody sock.  Lots of pressure as the club had been there and Buckner’ed before.  There is a lot of pressure and exhaustion there. His ankle was bleeding. Art imitating life, as he was becoming a red Sock.

 

OR
 
Brent Gilchrist of the Detroit Red wings is heard screaming 4 rooms removed from his teammates in their locker room, as a 10″ needle was being jammed in his groin between periods because the muscle was separated from the bone. That’s like having a cock-sword fight with a Black pornstar robot. Take a moment and let that sink in. Not the black robot, but Gilchrist’s groin, you pervert. His coach told him he would not let him back on the ice unless he could touch his heel to his ass cheek. Brent said, “Fuck you. I worked and waited my whole life for this moment (chance at the Stanley Cup), and you’re not gonna stop me,” as his foot (and the coaches concern) both kissed his ass.
 
There are thousands of stories like this one, but instead you can watch new ones unfold every damn day.  The playoffs are on now.
Watch it, fuckers. Get into it, fuckers!! Drink beer, yell loud, gamble fast, and pick a fight. Fuckers.
 
Til next time, keep your stick on the ice, and cheers! Hope there is blood in your beers. I leave you with this treat:
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