by Tommy Gimler
Kerry Wood retired today. How noteworthy is that? Zero Cubs fans have written in about it…
No Brotherly Love
Has Stephen A. Smith ever been happy? Seriously. Listening to him talk about the Heat missing practice (we’re talking about practice, not a game, we’re talking about practice) sounded more like a man telling me about how his wife left him for his handicapped cousin. When he’s covering an NBA game for ESPN, it’s never about how well the winning team performed. It’s always about how bad the losing team blew that game. Nobody stepped up, some superstar disappeared, etc.
Or how about his take on the Knicks earlier this year:
I’m going to say that when Barack Obama was elected as the first African-American President of the United States, Stephen A. said something to this effect, “Am I thrilled that a black man is finally living in the White House? Sure, but show me a a black man that looks more like Moses Malone as the leader of the free world, and maybe I’ll talk about finally turning a corner.”
I suppose it could be worse. He could be Skip Bayless…
It’s Another No-No Wait, It’s Not
Justin Verlander came within two outs of no-hitting the Pittsburgh Pirates on Friday night. Is it really all that shocking? I mean, c’mon. He’s Justin Verlander. They’re the Pittsburgh Pirates.
But did you see how he lost his bid for history? With one out in the top of the ninth, Josh Harrison (yeah, who?) took a pitch that was about a foot outside and pulled it weakly past SS Jhonny Peralta, who not only spells his first name like a douche but also didn’t make a diving attempt to save the no-no.
I guess Peralta is in the final year of his deal with a club option for 2013, so what do you want him to do, dive for it and get hurt? Maybe Roger Dorn knows the real reason why Peralta stayed upright:
Jake Taylor: What I was concerned with was why you didn’t come up with that grounder that Rockert hit in the 9th.
Roger Dorn: It was out of my reach. What do you want me to do, dive for it?
Jake Taylor: Rog, it could have meant the game!
Roger Dorn: Oh come on. Cut the rah rah shit Taylor! Year after this I go free agent. Plus me and my agent got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I am not about to risk major injury or displace this property for a collection of stiffs!
Jake Taylor: Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. If you wanna be an interior decorator now that’s none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don’t know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I’m gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your fuckin throat!
Jesus. Fucking. Christ.
Am I the only one who is sick and fucking tired of hearing about Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez? The NHL is on the cusp of the Stanley Cup Finals, the NBA Playoffs are in full effect, and MLB has been pretty exciting over the past few weeks, and yet before I see any baseball highlights on SportsCenter, I have to hear about these two dog shit excuses for a quarterback.
I don’t give a shit if they are playing checkers together on Tuesday nights. I don’t care if they went to Applebees’s and split the 2 for $20 bargain. I don’t care if Tebow baptized Sanchez in the Hudson. Football is over three months away, and since I’ll have to listen to this crap every day after September 5th, can we please give it a rest until then? Jesus. Listen to me. I’m beginning to sound like Stephen A. Smith…