by Tommy Gimler
34-year-old James Peterson set a world record this weekend by fist pumping for 16 consecutive hours. He is also unemployed.
Using superglue to ensure his hand would remain curled in a fist throughout, Peterson beat that beat up from 11am Friday morning to 3am Saturday at Manny’s Pub in Akron, Ohio. He had a camera crew document the entire pumping, and the footage has been sent to Guinness for their approval.
Apparently Peterson hasn’t been a total fucking loser his entire life. He used to work as an electrician, and he has credited hanging light fixtures with helping him establish the record. And in case you’re still reading this, Peterson prefers the Jersey-style fist pump, using his elbow to roll his fist instead of the regular fist-thrust.
On second thought, maybe this guy isn’t that big of a turd. After all, Jim Tressel signed his shirt for Christ’s sake. And the last time I was unemployed, I think I unintentionally set the world record for most consecutive days of masturbating in front of my fiance’s purse dog, and I’m almost positive Tressel didn’t sign one cum rag.
Anyway, no word as to whether or not Peterson wore a diaper or just urinated on the streets of Akron like everybody else. Also no word as to whether or not he received a handy from a drunken college coed in the Manny’s men’s room, but if he did, my money is on Katie Gross.