by Tommy Gimler
No offense to Brewers catcher Jonathan Lucroy. The whole “I was searching for a sock under a bed and my wife shifted a suitcase that fell on my hand while I was down there and now my hand is broken” story has nothing on this one.
And as bizarre as this next story is, I still find it to be more believable than Lucroy’s. I mean, if you can actually lose a sock under a bed these days, what kind of hotel are the Brewers staying at when they are the road, Motel 6?
Anyway, fuck him. The story of the year is out of Miami. While many Americans celebrated the holiday weekend by chowing on some burgers, brat patties, or $1 Dodger Dogs, a 31-year-old naked man decided to eat the face off of another man. Raw. Again, a 31-year-old man, naked, decided to eat the face off of another man. Raw. Not like if he would have cooked up the guy’s face on a portable Coleman would it have been any better, but just so you get the image in your head: a naked dude approached another man on a Miami street and began eating his face right there.
Miami officials said the man, Rudy Eugene, was probably on a new, synthetic form of bad LSD called “bath salts.” Let’s hope so, because if this guy was just overheating from the Miami sun and a lack of electrolytes, God help us.
Apparently, here’s how it went down:
Larry Vega was enjoying his afternoon bike ride into downtown Miami, probably whistling a nice little Jimmy Cliff tune, when he rode past a naked man tearing another man’s face to pieces with his mouth. He yelled, “Get off,” but the man continued to chew the other man’s face off. Vega flagged down a Miami police officer, and the officer ordered the flesh-eating man to stop numerous times only to have the man turn around, stick his head up with pieces of face in his mouth, and growl at him. The officer had no choice but to shoot the man, but his body was so doped up that the first shot had no effect. The officer shot the man again, killing the real-life Hannibal Lecter.
I can only imagine that it looked something like this, except instead of the Key Master talking to the horse, in this case, he’s eating a man’s face:
Dr. Paul Adams, an emergency room doctor at Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami, said that bath salts are “dangerous.”
That could be the biggest understatement since the internet said Ashlee Simpson had no talent. I mean, the victim was missing about 80% of his face because Rudy Eugene ate it, for Christ’s sake. His eyes are gone, his nose is bitten off, and basically the only thing that is left is the victim’s goatee. Apparently, even on bath salts, cannibals can still be picky. I guess Rudy Eugene enjoyed facial hair about as much as I enjoy onions.
The victim is still alive, hospitalized in critical condition at Jackson Memorial, which serves as a another reminder to have that talk again with your parents and/or significant other. You know, the one where you say, “Mom. Dad. Katie. If I’m ever walking down the street, and a man on bath salts ever eats 80% of my face, and I somehow survive this attack, please unplug me…”
Some other quick facts about this amazing story:
*Eugene’s ex-wife divorced him in 2007 because he was “too violent.”
*Eugene had been arrested eight times in the last 15 years, most due to drug-related incidents.
*Dr. Adams said that bath salts make people “extremely strong.” He went on to say, “I took care of a 150-pound man who you would have thought he was 250 pounds. It took six security officers to restrain the individual.”
*Somebody out there, even after reading this story, will still do bath salts.
*Here is a news report from a local Miami affiliate:
*Not surprisingly, I didn’t eat lunch today…