The Fantasy Titanic


by Tommy Gimler

Sadly, we’re not talking about Kate Winslet’s tits. It’s early, but get ready to throw these fantasy duds overboard before James Cameron is asked to find your team.

C – J.P. Arencibia

Maybe J.P. should spend a little less time on Tim Kurkjian impressions and more time in the cages. Hell, at this point making contact would be a major improvement. The Blue Jays catcher is just 2 for his first 22 with 11 strikeouts.

1B – Ike Davis

In his defense, he was suffering from desert AIDS or some shit this spring, but that doesn’t mean you have to put the Mets first baseman in your lineup. And after a 1 for 20 start with 9 strikeouts, you shouldn’t.

2B – Ryan Rayburn

Rayburn is another example of how spring stats are about as meaningful as Ashlee Simpson lyrics. After belting six home runs this spring, the Tigers second baseman is just 2 of 16 with zero home runs.

3B – Aramis Ramirez

Outperforming Casey McGehee at third base is so easy that Brewers’ GM Doug Melvin could have crapped in a Cubs hat, placed it at the hot corner, and signed it to a three-year deal to get the job done. So, then how bad is Aramis Ramirez? Try 2 for his first 22 with 7 K’s.

SS – Clint Barmes

If Pirates fans weren’t expecting anything out of Barmes this year, then he’s surpassed those expectations with his 1 for 15 start and 5 strikeouts.

OF – Marlon Byrd, Colby Rasmus, Angel Pagan

A list of fantasy turds wouldn’t be complete without someone from the Chicago Cubs. Byrd is off to a 1 for 21 start with 5 strikeouts, but that’s one more hit than we thought he’d have at this point.

Colby Rasmus needs to stop listening to daddy and take advice from major league coaches instead. Unless a 2 for 21 start gets him an extra Twinkie for dessert from mommy at the Rasmus dinner table…

Angel Pagan shouldn’t be on your fantasy team to begin with. His 2 for 18 start is a perfect fit for the Giants’ offensive scheme, though.

SP – Tim Lincecum

A 12.91 ERA through two games? Thanks a lot, asshole.

RP – The Cubs Bullpen

Carlos Marmol. Kerry Wood. It doesn’t matter. It’s so bad that Cubs fans posted an ad on Craigslist looking for bullpen help. It has since been removed, but you can read it its entirety here.


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