by Tommy Gimler
Mel Kiper is ESPN’s chief meteorologist: He gets paid a huge salary to make mistakes.
While the longevity of his mafioso hairdo demands admiration, his player analysis and inability to correctly determine who is going where is downright embarrassing. Last year’s #1 defensive end according to Kiper actually went 51st overall. Christian Ponder wasn’t even one of Kiper’s top five quarterbacks. Mel said Nick Fairley was a potential #1 overall pick, but instead was going to fall to Tennessee at #8. Fairley ended up going to Detroit at #13. Philadelphia was going to take CB Jimmy Smith with the 23rd pick, but Kiper updated that pick to Gabe Carimi because it was a natural fit. The Eagles chose Danny Watkins.
For tonight’s draft, I’m playing a drinking game based on how many mistakes Kiper makes. That means I should be hammered by the time Buffalo doesn’t choose Stephon Gilmore with the tenth pick. Take one drink when the pick is incorrect and then more depending on how far off Kiper was with that pick. For example, Kiper has S Mark Barron going to Kansas City. If he falls to Dallas at #14, drink one for the mistake and three more for the three-spot drop.
Looks like Kiper should get the first two correct this year, and my liver thanks him for that. The last thing I want from this guy is jaundice.
#1 – Mel Kiper: QB Andrew Luck, Stanford
Actual Pick: Indianapolis Colts select QB Andrew Luck from Stanford.
No surprise here as even my grandma knew the Colts were going to pick Luck, and she’s been dead for six years. Drink zero.
#2 – Mel Kiper: QB Robert Griffin III, Baylor
Actual Pick: Washington Redskins select QB Robert Griffin III from Baylor.
Way to go, Mel! Two in a row to start. Don’t get too excited, though. The retarded kid Willie in Unit 4C is also 2 for 2. Drink zero
#3 – Mel Kiper: RB Trent Richardson, Alabama
Actual Pick: Cleveland Browns select RB Trent Richardson from Alabama.
Check out the big brain on Mel! Mel knows how to use a computer as he snuck this pick in his final mock draft right before the real draft started. Drink zero.
#4 – Mel Kiper: OT Matt Kalil, USC
Actual pick: Minnesota Vikings select OT Matt Kalil from USC.
4 for 4 sounds good, but he’s an expert and should be able to get at least the first ten. Remember, Kiper got the first six last year before folding worse than the Charlotte Bobcats. Drink zero.
#5 – Mel Kiper: CB Morris Claiborne, LSU
Actual pick: Jacksonville Jaguars select WR Justin Blackmon from Okla. St.
What is this shit? Jacksonville wants to win? I’m a nice guy, so I won’t count this one as a mistake. Not even Nostradamus could have seen Jacksonville moving up here. Drink one just to get on the board. Too exciting to stay sober.
#6 – Mel Kiper: WR Justin Blackmon, Oklahoma State
Actual pick: Dallas Cowboys select CB Morris Claiborne from LSU.
The dumbest guy in the draft goes to the dumbest owner. Again, not really a mistake here because of the trade, but drink one anyway.
#7 – Mel Kiper: DT Fletcher Cox, Mississippi State
Actual pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers select S Mark Barron from Alabama.
Finally! Drink up, fuckers. Kiper thought Barron would go down at number 11 to KC. Like last year, Kiper might be worthless after the sixth pick. Drink 5.
#8 – Mel Kiper: QB Ryan Tannehill, Texas A&M
Actual pick: Miami Dolphins select QB Ryan Tannehill from Texas A&M.
All right, Mel. Welcome back to the circle of trust. Drink zero.
#9 – Mel Kiper: LB Luke Kuechly, Boston College
Actual pick: Carolina Panthers select LB Luke Kuechly from Boston College.
Damn! This post is turning into a bust. I haven’t had a drink in seventeen minutes. I would have been better off watching Cinemax and drinking every time I see a nipple.
#10 – Mel Kiper: CB Stephon Gilmore, South Carolina
Actual pick: Buffalo Bills select CB Stephon Gillmore from South Carolina.
Ugh. Drink zero.
#11 – Mel Kiper: S Mark Barron, Alabama
Actual pick: Kansas City Chiefs select DT Dontari Poe from Memphis.
And boom goes the dynamite. Kiper has actually been wrong all night. He’s just been updating his mock draft after every incorrect pick. Mel had Poe going 9th a few weeks ago, then had him in the low 20′s earlier today, and then quickly moved him back to 9th after the Barron mistake. He had also switched Kuechly to 11th after the Barron pick, so there’s another error. What does all of this mean? Even Mel Kiper doesn’t trust Mel Kiper. Shotgun a beer for this mixup.
#12 – Mel Kiper: Can’t even tell anymore.
This clown actually dropped CB Stephon Gilmore all the way down to Cincinnati’s 2nd pick! Kiper had Buffalo taking OT Riley Reiff at number 10 after the Barron mistake, and again, this just goes to show that even Mel Kiper doesn’t trust Mel Kiper.