Quick Hits

by Tommy Gimler

If I write a separate post about everything going on in the sports world right now, I’ll have no time for Internet Porn Wednesday, and I’ve missed funerals for that.

Penguins 10, Flyers 3

The scoring in tonight’s Flyers/Penguins game makes Bobby Petrino look like a virgin. After giving up nine goals in the first two periods, the Flyers still filled their net with a human being in the third. The Penguins scored just as many goals in the first two periods as they did in their last two games. The over/under for goals in the series was 34. The total after tonight’s game: 45…

The Dodgers are who we thought they were.

Turns out there was a good reason why ESPN ranked the Texas Rangers (8-2) first and the Dodgers (9-1) fifth after the first week and a half of the season. Maybe it’s a different story on ESPN Deportes, I don’t know. Neither team had faced an opponent that finished over .500 last year, and while the Rangers had outscored their Special Olympics opponents 43-24, the Dodgers had beaten their tards by 17 runs. So, why the difference? Both teams traveled to face major leaguers this week. The Rangers: two wins over the Red Sox. The Dodgers: two defeats at the hands of the Brewers. Maldito…

Zach Tomaselli is an asshole.

To say Zach Tomaselli is mentally unstable is an understatement. Do you know how many friends I have who have claimed they were abused by an adult male, then took back that statement saying, “It has become a burden of a lie and I am sick of it. I don’t have feelings most of the time. I just hate people without caring,” and then said, “Bernie molested me. PERIOD?” Zero. He’s a clown. And come to think of it, I don’t have any clown friends either. When it comes to Tomaselli, the only child molester in his life is him, and he began serving his 39-month sentence for it today.

The way Pat Summitt left Tennessee is a tragedy.

We’ve established at least a dozen times over the last two months how much women’s basketball disgusts us here at The DUD, but when the winningest coach in the history of college basketball has to leave the sport because of the onset of dementia, it is a tragedy. Summitt will still advise the women’s program as “head coach emeritus,” but longtime assistant Holly Warlick will be the first new head coach since Summitt took over in 1974. In 38 years, Summitt lead the Volunteers to eight national championships and 1.098 wins.

Ivan Rodriguez will retire on Monday.

Here is one possible headline: The greatest defensive catcher in the history of major league baseball will call it quits on Monday.

Here is another: The greatest catcher of the steroid era will retire on Monday.

Pudge won 13 gold gloves, hit .300 or better ten times, and finished with career totals of 2,884 hits, 311 home runs and 1,332 RBIs. He was the 1999 AL MVP, and he won a World Series with the Marlins in 2003.

He also played on the same Texas Rangers team as the following people: Juan Gonzalez, Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmeiro, Alex Rodriguez, Ken Caminiti, and Ismael Valdez. All of them have been linked to steroids and PED’s. Canseco even claimed in his book Juiced that he injected Pudge himself. Ten years ago, I would have said that Canseco was full of shit. Now? He’s the only guy I trust when it comes to roids.

In any case, all of this leaves one pressing question:

How bad would Ismael Valdez have been if he wouldn’t have taken steroids?

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