by Tommy Gimler

The Brewers are getting smoked by the Cardinals (again) to the tune of 12-1, and I’m pissed. Here are three people who can go fuck themselves.

1) Mel Kiper – ESPN Draft Analyst

Seriously, for $500/week I can do what Mel Kiper does: tell you how awesome collegiate football players are and then watch them get drafted twenty picks later. Here are just some of the blunders this turd-cutter made over the last two days:

a) Kiper had DE Melvin Ingram as the 7th best player overall, and he was going to Seattle with the 12th pick. The Seahawks went with OLB Bruce Irvin (who might get arrested before I finish this post), and Ingram fell all the way to 18th.

b) Speaking of Bruce Irvin, he wasn’t even one of Kiper’s top 5 OLB’s. Mel had Lavonte David (ended up 58th overall), Courtney Upshaw (35th overall), Shea McClellin (19th overall to Chicago…REACH!), Demario Davis (77th overall), and Terrell Manning (hasn’t been drafted yet) all in front of Irvin.

c) Dontari Poe was going 24th to the Pittsburgh Steelers because the Steelers really needed to build depth on the defensive line. Poe went 11th to Kansas City, and the Steelers drafted two offensive linemen and an outside linebacker to fill that defensive line need.

d) OT Jonathan Martin was going to Detroit with the 23rd pick. He was taken with the 10th pick…in the second round.

e) How about DT Kendall Reyes going to Denver at number 25? That one didn’t work out too well for Mel, either. The Broncos traded away their 1st round pick, and when they had the opportunity to take Reyes with their 2nd round pick, they went with Derek Wolfe instead. Reyes fell to the 49th overall pick.

Anyway, fuck you, Mel Kiper…

2) Yovani Gallardo – Milwaukee Brewers Starting Pitcher

The St. Louis Cardinals own Yovani Gallardo and the Milwaukee Brewers for that matter. Here are Gallardo’s “Jeff Suppanish” numbers against the Redbirds over his last six games:

26 1/3 innings

43 hits

33 earned runs

12 home runs

17 walks

Those numbers are so obese that they make Precious look like Naomi Campbell. If you average them out, this is what to expect the next time Gallardo takes the mound against St. Louis:

4 1/3 innings, 7 hits, 5 or 6 earned runs, 2 HR’s, and 3 walks.

So, Yovani Gallardo, fuck you…

3) Delmon Young – Detroit Tigers Outfielder

I don’t care if you’re a 3rd shift waitress at Denny’s and a group of four men leave you an 8% tip. You don’t yell racial slurs at Jewish folk or any people for that matter. And you sure as shit don’t do it if you’re a major league baseball player. How do you think Bud Selig feels about this one, Delmon? Before you give Mr. Young the benefit of the doubt and think that he might have been provoked into saying these things along with the ensuing scuffle, remember, this is the same guy who did this a few years ago (the magic happens at the :19 mark):

I guess you can say the umpire “provoked” him into that as well with a horse shit call.

For both of these incidents, fuck you, Delmon Young…