Hometown Hero

by Tommy Gimler

Much like my fiance didn’t believe me when I told her I stopped masturbating, I didn’t buy Ryan Leaf when he said he was clean. Turns out we were both right.

The biggest bust in NFL history was arrested again today in his hometown of Great Falls, Montana, bringing an end to my fantasy arrest league. Leaf was booked for felony burglary, criminal possession of dangerous drugs, and misdemeanor theft.

Leaf was already serving 10 years probation after pleading guilty to eight counts of felony drug charges in Texas in 2010. That probation was transferred to his hometown after the trial. I never earned a Master’s degree, but I’m pretty sure he’s in deep shit on this one.

I’m most intrigued this time around at the misdemeanor theft and felony burglary charges. The drug charges don’t phase me anymore. I get it. Ryan Leaf likes drugs. A lot. But a felony burglary charge means Leaf broke into a building to commit a crime, and the misdemeanor theft charge means he took something valued at less than $500.

So I guess it’s time to play Mad Libs: The Ryan Leaf Edition:

On Friday, March 30, 2012, the biggest bust in NFL history Ryan Leaf broke into __________________ and stole ________________ because he _____________________.

I’ll start.

On Friday, March 30, 2012, the biggest bust in NFL history Ryan Leaf broke into a Great Falls CVS Pharmacy and stole 12 bottles Avril Lavigne perfume because he wanted to smell like less of a loser but just barely.

Your turn…

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One Response to Hometown Hero

  1. Gary D says:

    On Friday, March 30, 2012, the biggest bust in NFL history Ryan Leaf broke into a Kum & Go and stole 6 packs of No Doze because he thought the convenience store was actually meant for something else, so he got pissed and needed to stay awake long enough to drive to the nearest sex shop.

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