by Barry Murphy

Man, this is tough… where do I start?

How ’bout the positive? Alfonso Soriano’s 6 HR’s lead the cactus league… wooo!! Then there’s… ahhh… Zambrano’s gone… and so is that dog, Aramis Ramirez (Gimler, have fun with him and his see through glove… man, the Brewers have a shit defensive infield). Anywho, one more positive… Ryan Dempster is in the last year of a 13 mil/per contract. Ok, now for the fun.

I believe in Theo(Ted for fun) Epstein, I do. I want to rebuild. I want Brett Jackson to be starting in center on April 5th. Will he be? Probably not. Why? Ted’s a smart man. He’ll make sure Dale puts Marlon Byrd out there. Hopefully he has an epic start, and we trade him for a decent lefty setup man. If the rumors are true, and the Cubs can deal Byrd before the season… even better.

After Castro, and even Barney, everyone else is a stop gap. Ian Stewart is a great glove at 3B, but he did not hit one fuckin’ homerun last year – granted he was injured most of the season. Bryan Lahair is a converted outfielder who will butcher 1B until Anthony Rizzo is ready. Soto is Soto… truthfully, he was a one hit wonder… he blows. DeJesus is a 7 hitter batting leadoff… he blows too.

Then there’s the pitching staff. Dempster somehow gets the Opening Day nod over Garza. After that, Jeff Samardzija (yes, that’s how it’s spelled) is the current number 3… followed by Chris Volstad and Paul Maholm. Yuk!! Just think how bad Travis Wood is to not make this group of bums. And we traded Sean Marshall for him… Ted? Hmmm.

I can’t morally take this bet… but the Cubs over/under is 73.5. Wow. This is a 70-92 team at best. Shockingly, I think they’ll start off pretty good. I look for them to be hovering around .500 at the end of May… right before a 10-game road trip starting in San Fran… that’s when the wheels come off.

Hey, Game of Thrones starts back up April 1st… wait, where was I?

The DUD Says: If Barry Murphy says the Cubs are going to finish 70-92 at best, that’s good enough for us.

2012 record: 70-92 (5th place, NL Central)

Vegas Says: 73.5 wins (4th place, NL Central)

Donnie Warts Says: Hi. You’ve reached Brian Portz. Please leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Bye.