by Tommy Gimler

The Carolina Panthers changed their logo this past week to a scarier, somewhat 3-D panther that has still never won a Super Bowl, but it’s actually an impressive logo compared to some of the garbage that has been slapped on helmets and uniforms over the years. It’s also an acceptable nickname since panthers still exist but are endangered species in North Carolina. Here are three other teams who should change their nickname and/or logo yesterday:

Utah Jazz

This just in: Mormons suck at playing jazz. While it’s outstanding music to seduce your third or fourth wife (or both) into the sack, jazz has very little meaning to Salt Lake City or Utah as a whole. While Shaun White is tearing up the slopes in Park City, do you think he’s got his Duke Ellington cranked up to 11? And look at their logo. It’s a great reminder that jazz and the Rocky Mountains are one in the same. Obviously the nickname carried over from their playing days in New Orleans and with another NBA franchise back in The Big Easy, it’s time to give the nickname back to them.

The DUD suggests: This one is too simple, so it will never get done. Utah is The Beehive State. A hornet is a bee. New Orleans sends their nickname, 100 pounds of beads, 30 gallons of urine, and 12 free hurricane coupons at Pat O’Brien’s to Utah in exchange for just the Jazz name. Utah can keep their shitty logo and multiple wives.

Arizona Cardinals

Do you know what I think about as I shotgun my beer on the flight from Los Angeles to Phoenix? “I can’t wait to see the incoming freshman crop at ASU.” “I can’t wait to see how much Gold Bond I go through in the next five days.” But “I can’t wait to see hundreds of cardinals perched on the cactus outside the my window at the Best Western?” Although they supposedly exist in the Phoenix metro area, I have never seen ONE cardinal there. A cardinal in Phoenix is like that mythical Dunkin’ Donuts in Los Angeles. It doesn’t exist. In fact, the original nickname doesn’t even refer to the bird. Cardinal was the color of the uniforms of the Morgan Athletic Club way back in the day.

The DUD suggests: The Arizona Pink Tacos. Back in 2006, the restaurant chain made a bid for naming rights to the new stadium in Glendale. The Cardinals organization wanted no part of it, and they called the bid a publicity stunt. But imagine the merchandise sales in the first month alone as everyone would rush out to get their Pink Taco hats, shirts, and crotchless panties. And of course, the retractable panels in the middle of the roof would be open during all home games.

Buffalo Bills

How an NFL team still exists in a shithole like Buffalo is quite the mystery. Even more puzzling is how the Bills logo came about. Buffalo’s football team wasn’t named after the animal but rather “Buffalo Bill” Cody. Cody himself never called the city home because it’s a wasteland. He became famous for slaughtering buffalo in the west and selling the meat to railroad workers. Cody once killed 4,280 buffalo in 18 months. The man the team is named after proved the buffalo to be the lesser adversary, yet the buffalo was chosen as the logo. Apparently second place was good enough from the team’s inception.

The DUD suggests: The Buffalo Violent Crime. The city of Buffalo had 21 murders per 100,000 people last year, and that is about triple the national average. 1,357 violent crimes per 100,000 people means that people are pretty much raping themselves. So many people have died and/or left that the population is now less than half of what it was in 1950. If you want to instill fear into the heart of your opponents, here is the new logo:

I don’t see too many celebratory touchdown dances against this team.