by Michael Gemme

What exactly has Michael Gemme been thinking about since his New England Patriots clinched a trip to the Super Bowl for the fifth time in ten years? Damn, girlfriend.

1/24/12 9PM P.S.T.

 

~Last night I dreamed I was skating down a foggy beach when Eli Manning, in full pads, appeared through the mist astride a beast that had the body of a dolphin, the head of a horse, and four meaty, attractive plus-sized model legs. We stared at each other, my countenance no doubt incredulous, his sporting that dullard’s flat affect he’s so well known for. With a low grumble that built into a primal roar a giant wolf with Vince Wilfork’s head shot out of the fog and lit into Eli’s dolphin-horse, tearing large chunks of flesh out of it’s side. The rest was pretty much a gory psychedelic NatGeo nature video with the sounds of Eli screaming “Help me Paaaaayton” the whole time. I awoke laughing maniacally. I’m taking this dream as sign of my readiness for Super Bowl Sunday.

 

~Word today is that Gronk’s injury is a torn foot ligament. Upon reading the news, I spend no less than 30 minutes in a catatonic state, envisioning a Bloody Sock, Pats Style. Two hours later, I’m still not right.

 

~Prince Fielder has eschewed Milwaukee for Detroit, for the low-low rate of $214 million. He’s trading beer for bullets, but $214 million will make a man take a lot on a lot of risk, and can buy a lot of kevlar-coated Escalades. Plus they’ll probably win the World Series, which is worth dodging bullets for.

 

~Representative Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ) retired from Congress today, a little over a year since some genetically malformed deviant used his precious 2nd Amendment Right to put a bullet through her brain. Still showing serious signs of neurologic injury, she nonetheless stood and applauded for each of President Obama’s applause lines at the State of the Union Address. If the Patriots defense shows a tenth of the balls Gabby has over the past year the goddamn Giants won’t score a point.

 

~Speaking of B.O., just before delivering the State of the Union he ordered a Navy Seal Team to infiltrate Somalia and rescue American hostages. He then publicly congratulated Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta on the House Floor BEFORE THE MISSION WAS EVEN COMPLETE. If the Patriots offense shows a tenth of the hutzpah B.O. showed tonight we’ll hang 70 on the goddamn Giants.

 

1/25/12 6:14 PM P.S.T.

 

~An odd day… I think I wasn’t ready for the onslaught of Super Bowl hype. It’s times like these that I really realize just how bad the ’85 Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle was for America. Now every douche-nozzle with GarageBand and the slightest sense of opportunism is trying to force a Pat’s anthem down my throat. Not happening.

 

~The Dodgers have opened for purchase bids, and the assholes are coming out of the woodwork! Not least of which is this magic twat, Joshua Macciello:

 

http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-dodgers-average-joe-bid,0,6281478.story.

 

I offer 9 Innings of Mock to you, Mr. Macciello:

 

First of all bro, if you are who you say you are, you aren’t an “average joe”.

 

Second, you have an iMDB page that has ZERO credits and nothing but a picture of you sitting on a yacht. You aren’t exactly a powerhouse in this town, kid.

 

Third, you are guaranteeing a World Series victory coming out of the box- year one, good-to-go. Bold. And Dumb.

 

Fourth, “I do real estate” and “I have mining companies here and abroad” do not qualify you to own the Dodgers.

 

Fifth, you live with your mom, dude. Literally.

 

Sixth, you’ve already put in the highest bid (with your mysterious partners whom you won’t name) and are willing to go even higher? Well why are we even having a sale then? We should just hand the fucking team to you!

 

Seventh, I don’t think that demanding Bud Selig “implement Google” to bring the game “into the 21st century” is really going to fly. But stranger things have happened.

 

Eighth, we’re just finishing up with an underfunded megalomaniac asshole at the helm. We don’t need another.

 

Ninth, “I played the game and I intend to play the game”? You mean you’re going to play on the team once you buy it with your supposed billions? Ok wait, if there’s a possibility of getting to watch you get drilled in the dome with some high cheese, I’m in! Joshua Macci-what-ever-the-fuck-your-name-is for OWNER!! YES WE CAN!!

 

Extra Innings: Five minutes of Googling you (how will that work for baseball again?) reveals that your partner at “Armital Sports” (I’m guessing this is yet another subsidiary of Armital Entertainment, LLC (credits: zero) and Armital Industries LLC (a “think tank”)) is the very same guy who was arrested for credit card fraud in Las Vegas in 2008. Major League Baseball LOVES that kind of stuff among it’s owners!! Please just go back under your rock.

 

~So facing the aforementioned weirdness today I slipped into my local cinema to escape it all. Caught “Hugo”. Awesome movie! Martin Scorsese is truly a master, and he pays beautiful homage to the art form in this flick. Also, and you won’t hear this from me often if at all, this movie is a must-see-in-3D film. It is visually STUNNING. Thumbs way up.

 

~I apparently am on the short-list to play between 2nd and 3rd for the Red Sox this year. Really, Ben Cherington? Yikes.

 

1/27/12 4:13 AM

 

~So Gronk’s dad leaked that his injury is actually a high-ankle sprain, not a torn foot-ligament. Poof goes my bloody sock fantasy. However, he was mic’d up during AFC Championship game, and when he returned to the field after the injury he jumped onto the sideline and shouted “I’m back!! I’m good!!” like a little kid back from dodgeball jail. This is the shit I live for.

 

~It appears that the UFC’s attorney, Lawrence Epstein, wrote an op-ed in a Vegas paper supporting SOPA and PIPA. In response, Anonymous took down UFC.com for a few hours. In response to THAT, Dana White called Anonymous out, said they were as bad as the 9/11 terrorists (!?!?) and that they would all get bin Ladened soon. He then said he wasn’t scared of them and dared them to hack him further. Uh, Dana, probably not a good idea. Anon don’t play! Within 10 minutes his phone, social security number, address, financial holdings, real estate holdings, criminal record, and a good portion of the backup files from UFC.com were there on Twitter for the world to see. Anonymous is to the internet what Anderson Silva is to MMA- he that should NOT be taunted. Yikes. Look, these are two of my favorite badasses on the planet- Dana White in the fight game, and Anonymous in the digital revolution game. I hate to see them fight. They both look bad here. Dana is an idiot when it comes to supporting the toxic SOPA/PIPA shit and Anonymous is wrong to hack somebody simply because they disagree with him. Not to mention that the UFC is not a political entity nor a particularly good target. The threat now is that Anonymous will hack in to the next pay-per-view event and take it down mid-fight. Not cool. Or that one of Dana’s goons will find some 15-year-old on Twitter with an Anonymous thumbnail avatar and “bin-Laden” him. Also, not cool. Play nice guys.

 

~If I see the goddamn David Tyree catch on my goddamn TV one more goddamn time I won’t have a goddamn TV on which to watch the goddamn big game. Punk-ass lucky head-catching jamoke. Ugh.

 

~UFC on FOX has Michael Bisping vs. Chael Sonnen as its co-main event tomorrow night. Talk about a battle of the assholes! These guys have raised acting like a fuck-tard to an art form. I was going to just root for the ceiling to cave in on both of these Kings of Douche, but then I saw that Bisping is an almost 4-to-1 dog. It’ll suck rooting for him, but “Wager has been Accepted!”

 

~The Raven’s website is selling Billy Cundiff jerseys with a promise that they’ll be delivered to “the house to the left of yours”. That, my friends, is some comedy. I think someone in their web department is about to get fired, though.

 

~I dreamt Brandon Jacobs was water-skiing in full pads behind a boat I was driving up that river from Apocalypse Now. Then, flying piranha attack. In 3D. It was awesome. “Eli don’t surf”, bitches!

 

~With my Vietnam fish attack dream fresh in my mind, I had some trouble sleeping, so I rented “Midnight in Paris”. Heady, cool flick. I really enjoyed it, and I’m no Owen Wilson fan. That schnoz is just too much. However, Marion Cotillard more than made up for that. Wow. She will be a part of my, uh, dreams very soon!

 

1/29/12 1:07 AM

 

~Bisping got royally screwed by the judges, including one 30-27. That person shouldn’t be allowed to judge a freakin’ dog show.

 

~Also, Chael Sonnen should really go fight in the WWF or some circus somewhere. He is pure cheese. Velveeta. Shut your mouth and throw punches, hot dog.

 

1/29/12 4:52 AM

 

~I dreamed it was the Super Bowl and all of the Giants, in unison, fell down and pretended to be hurt like that flaccid wimp Deon Grant. Players on the sidelines, coaches, everybody. You can’t just fall down and pretend to be hurt to stall for time when the other team is driving. That is some super bush league, girly-soccer type behavior right there. Guy should’ve been banned from the league. Anyway it was a short dream, just all of the Giants writhing around in faux pain while the Patriots and 75 Billion television views laughed at them. Oh and the Super Bowl was floating in a giant fish tank. Not sure the meaning of that.

 

1/29/12 11:13 PM

 

~Caught “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close” with a friend. Cried like a baby. It is extremely realistic and incredibly close to my own life experience, so I don’t think I can offer an objective criticism; I had too much emotionally invested in the movie to have a clear perspective of it. With that in mind, I thought it was great. The little kid actor blew me away. Not the most uplifting movie in the world, but it was really good.

 

1/30/12 10:52 PM

 

~I went to a community planning meeting this evening and we started by going around the room and introducing ourselves, followed by a few words on what we do and do not like about our little town, Playa Del Rey, CA. The guy in front of me, lets call him Joe, huffily said that he was not a big fan of our local medical marijuana dispensary. He said, in fact, “I don’t like that marijuana factory. Draws in the wrong kind of people”. He then went on to complain about poor lighting on the boulevard and then into a spiel about how much he loves PdR. Then it was my turn. I echoed his sentiments about loving our town, but then just had to rebut him on our local weed store. I said that I liked the place, and then noted that it’s one of the few on the boulevard with proper lighting and a security guard during operating hours. I then said that I felt medical marijuana was really more a political issue than a community planning issue, and offered to smoke a joint with Joe if he wanted to talk about it. Everyone thought it was funny. Joe didn’t.

 

2/4/12 3:14 AM

 

15 People were injured in Indianapolis earlier when crowds over-filled the downtown area for a LMFAO concert. I am fearful that this kind of turn-out for this band is a sign of the Apocalypse, but I am also a little cheerful at the notion of 15 LMFAO fans being injured.

 

 

 

2/4/12 4:29 PM.

 

Just learned that Giants.com proclaimed themselves Super Bowl Champions on their splash page this morning. Nice. If the Pats laser-focus wasn’t already burning a hole right through the turf at Jiffy Lube and Oil Field (or whatever the fuck they call it) stadium it is now. I’m talking Forrest Whitaker in Fast Times at Ridgemont High stuff. Nuclear Laser Focus. “Web Masters” on ‘ludes should not drive.

 

2/4/12 11:17 PM

 

I scored tonight’s fight 3-2 Diaz with the deciding factor being the 5th round take-down. Like the man says, you can’t leave it up to the judges. Gotta finish. Like tackling Eli.

 

2/5/12 3:34 AM

 

Suck-o that Josh Hamilton fell off the wagon. Any douche that posts embarrassing pictures of him this time is on my list.

 

2/5/12 12:34 PM

 

I’ve decided to forego today’s football contest and rather will sit at home in quiet, meditative reflection. Somebody let me know who wins, will ya?